da ~ bayou

Love is Reckless by Rumi

2012-01-15T00:01:00.001-05:00

Love Is Reckless

Love is reckless; not reason.
Reason seeks a profit.
Love comes on strong, consuming herself, unabashed.

Yet, in the midst of suffering,
Love proceeds like a millstone,
hard surfaced and straightforward.

Having died to self-interest,
she risks everything and asks for nothing.
Love gambles away every gift God bestows.

Without cause God gave us Being;
without cause, give it back again.
Gambling yourself away is beyond any religion.

Religion seeks grace and favor,
but those who gamble these away are God's favorites,
for they neither put God to the test
nor knock at the door of gain and loss.

risking it all

2012-01-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

your mantra plays

the taste of your scent

on my body

moments un-had

yet yearned for

deeply enough to leap.

see, he's perfect, til' I think of you

and

maybe, I'm kinda happy,

til' I'm there with you

and

perhaps, I'll stay,

but then I go

with you

and you feed me so

that I don't hunger,

quell me so I don't ask

I long to just

recline in your storm

downpours and all

I believe in us.

A throwback love...

2011-12-21T22:05:00.002-05:00

Everything is perfect
in our glass world
of unspoken certainties
and mis-classifications

Our temple's made of walls
that melt with our moves
and rules labeled so just to pacify our consciences

We worship in code
belonging to no one and each other
at the very same time
we make music with lines
passed like numbers
under school desk tables in
'99

This here throwback love
ain't got no language in today's time
ain't got no space in today's lines
ain't got no definition in today's colloquialisms

Ain't got nothin' to prove it's even still in existence
'cept you and me
and glances that mean
close to what they say, but not quite
not really

Almost tangibly incriminating
we barely miss accusations
of all kinds of affairs,
'cause although it's happened, it hasn't happened here
not this lifetime
not this time around
not this dimension
not this reality
not really

you know what I mean.

this here throwback love
knew you when you were the Messiah
and I capitalized You in my life
became Your devotee since I couldn't be Your wife

this here throwback love
knew you when you were a monk
something divinely called and destined
and I, your feminine priestess counterpart
if they only knew the lessons we taught
one another...

this here throwback love
knew you when you were a free man
turned slave
dragged away because I was yours
and his in the same day,
and although they said we had no rights
you were, like you are now, set in your ways

this here throwback love
found us when we were without bodies
clad only with lucidity that
recognized that unique subatomic activity
as the same force that
changed our lives and destinies
begging us to get it right
so we could be one again

i feel in this incarnation
the runway has run out
and it's time to take flight
'cause how many times we gonna do this how many times
do we need others to tell us what
we know is right?
real, and really
love.

comparing love

2011-11-22T18:43:00.002-05:00

Paulo Coelho says that to measure one's feeling prevents us from fully experiencing the expansive capacity of its ability--our ability to love (paraphrase).

I've gotten myself in trouble with you
daydreaming and night dreaming
and saying your name

You know like I know
they all left the way
they came: quick.

Still, after hurt feelings
I realize that my love for you is my
best work yet...

my muse, teaching me
the art of life.

You, in all of your beauty and magnetism,
lies and imperfections,
bring out the very best
in me.

I cannot compare our journey
with those that I have and am committed to,
because on our journey, I've learned
faithfulness in its truest form

to love fearlessly without possessing and demanding
to enjoy now without the promise of tomorrow
and to know,
soul and sinew,
that I will never lose you
because I never had you...

there was never--and still isn't--anything to fear.

he did what he said he would

2011-10-29T18:54:00.001-04:00

he touched like certain chords on guitar strings

"give in to me" was his mantra

i could tell by the way he cast glances over his shoulder

and desire had me

desire had me

burning burning

burning

from the outside in

then

in side out

"hold me" and he held

like for dear life

riding this climactic ride

i call him "high"

i call him

like holy things

when i wholly wing

this once-before choreographed intergalactic

action

he birthed a new universe within my

round

lips so close i can taste

kisses un-had

and dreams

desire's heavy hand causing pulse

a sunset under

nor'easter winds

i'm starving and he feeds me

fantasies

tender and moist

seasoned to perfection

i arrive

pen in hand

he likes my pen in hand

while we burn journals

and memories

and futures

and judgement

and right wrong rights

until it is

just moment

now

then

nothing

and everything

searching...weary...searching

2011-10-21T13:11:00.000-04:00

In the quest for the most intense and richest of experiences, I find myself landlocked--something I never desired. Always imagining the most powerful and most underrated elements being my personal mentors; my biggest secret, that I, too, was a part of the Great Mystery.

Where have all the visions gone? Searching? Weary? Thirsty? Starved? Did the magic leave when I spoke the dream? Or when I prioritized my loved ones over my own love? Eyes, panicky, dart from here to a quickly-evaporating horizon that I no-longer-know if it was ever there. Did I invent the spirits that once danced in my soul, whispering revelations beyond Holy Books?

In the quest that had never been taken with feet, I lost my mind. Lost it to all the their hands and hearts, seeking my nurturing desperately. Taking from me what I never had a chance to give to myself. I was raised this way: to put the others before the self. I was groomed to be here to comfort them. Rise just high enough to make them proud, but not so high that comfort zones are challenged.

When I recognized my reflection, they would not let me be. And I, too fragile to say, "Fuck you and your feelings about who I am!" -- I gave in to being what I was used to (and so damn tired of being simultaneously)... I gave in to them. And if you ask me, would I do it again, I would say, "Hell no!" I have officially acquired my first regret.

guilt and dreams

2011-10-01T15:03:00.001-04:00

why is it that you feel guilty when pursuing your dreams? who would have thought that the hardest thing to deal with would be the look in the eyes of your loved ones that says, "why is it that what is good enough for us, isn't good enough for you? why aren't we good enough for you?"

it is my belief

2011-09-04T00:54:00.000-04:00

it is my belief that concentration is underrated, especially by women who pride themselves in time traveling 26/8

it is my belief that should we return to the lives of dedicated focus rather than trying to be all things, then we would be someones remarkable rather than vapor-like ideas of shoulda-coulda-woulda's

it is my belief that being a mother is a full time job for which a woman deserves to be cared for, rather than trying to provide AND nurture...what's the point of having a man if he can't pick up one of the ends

it is my belief that collective concentration on the part of women can change the world... rather than doing more, we should all do less and stop praising those who are withering in too many relational roles, attempting to win honors that aren't bullet or foolproof

it is my belief that men are among some of the largest distractions in a woman's world, and so, prior to accepting one, she must figure his appropriate position in his life and screen him for qualifications to see if he makes the cut

it is my belief that dreams are for those who want to remain asleep; i prefer awakenings. all this time, i didn't know how to make my dreams come true...well, no matter how much you do in slumber, it doesn't count until you wake up

musings of a temporary insomniac

2011-09-04T00:45:00.000-04:00

what would you do if someone funded your dreams?

i ask myself day in and out, if i even know where i would move to or what my days would look like. do i want to be this artist, creating and divulging the inner ponderings of an ever-fragmented heart? do i want them to recognize me or do i just want to be?

i am unsure if i even know what to pray for... should it be clarity? what is worth the sacrifice of breath and blood? money has already been scratched off the list; i need it because they make me need it, but i can do without the fly do-dads of the trendy counterfeits. i am unsure if i even know what to do... every day, moment to moment it changes with the woman that decides to surface and reveal her craft.

i could do it all... i could do it all. but i gotta do something because time seems to be issuing a last call for all those who wanna ride the high of adventure ... not the kind created by those who play it safe in life, and then take 5-day dreamlike vacays to getaways they'd never have the balls to move to...rock climbing and such. the high of making a decision that could break you down to the marrow

down to the very electrical impulse transmitting the messages your faded, nocturnal vignettes are made of...

but what do i know? i've thought so much i've forgotten how to act and choose. and now i choose not to think or accurately punctuate or edit or even to forgive. now i choose to feel something deep enough to plunge without an explanation or first thought, and be like Jean Michel or Esperanza, in worlds of sacrifice and dedication...concentration to those things that matter most.

return to yin

2011-07-29T14:41:00.000-04:00

i'm slippin' outta beautiful

wanna-be seductress

lookin' for the magical

delicious and the luscious

searchin' for those fingertips

that find what eyes could never

i'm ridin' you for practice so

I can master my forever

full fleshed lips are gateways

to the Unseen and the Healing

without a sound, invite me in

to what your outer be's concealing

i thirst for love saturated-passion

seek me with urgent fever

burn for me so i can flow into you

and release what churns deeper

an ocean of feminity...

be yang so i can be yin

i've learned to set a world on fire

i must learn the essence of water again

activity overrated

2011-07-29T12:01:00.000-04:00

"And just what the heavens do you think you're doing??" - GOD/DESS

Unemployment was the reason. Unemployment is the teacher. Unemployment presents an opportunity most of us pray for, but don't know how to handle: more time.

Isn't that what we all want: more time?? I have taken to making hustles out of things I know I can do--and do well, such as offering writing and editorial services. Tutoring. Doing hair. Plus, I'm still looking for a full-time job. But, why on the 12th week am I just realizing that I now have what I wanted, what I truly need: TIME. I've always had it... always had it and given it frivolously away to some mundane task or inconsequential person that I convinced myself needed it more than me.

We suffer from a grave delusion that the more we do, the more we are. The more I do, the less I am. And being is essential to my ability to LIVE: Love In Various Expressions. Activity is so very dulling when it's excessive, monotonous, obligatory, mandatory, and mis or un-directed. My actions to generate income in this lapse have been lauded as innovative and ambitious.

But inside of me, it's a different story. My Spirit Guides are in an uproar that I've broken this season of meditation and stillness. Even with my disobedience, I've been blessed to uncover what direction I want--and am destined--to journey in, and I'm scared. Time, being as sacred as it is, is often the backdrop onto which I project my own fears. I say there isn't enough of it, but what I mean is that I haven't taken the time divinely given to me to do the things that mean the most to me because I've been hiding behind fatigue (earnest from doing things that I don't like); chores (things that just have to be done routinely...I still have to make a dentist appointment); habit (and this isn't just what I do, but also how I habitually THINK and process) and need to make money (which is something we all need, yet it is still overrated).

What if I hid myself in this world, dedicated to seasons of creation and hibernation, as is my nature? What if I--artist and healer, expressionary and visionary--followed the beat of the drum written by the Unseen on the tablet of my heart and higher mind? What if I followed it KNOWING that I would be okay, regardless of employment status and other people's opinions and pursuits? Dedicated to studying the art of stillness, reflection, and creating vibrant, fertile life experiences from which to draw art never experienced in this generation before...would I somehow revive that quickly evaporating woman within?

The funny thing about knowledge is this: it changes. When we apply this knowledge, we transform into wiser selves and we change. But habit is the arch-enemy of transformation, and consequently, evolution. Comfort, habit and attachments feed fear. These are not things discovered by DOING, but by BEING and EXPERIENCING. It takes TIME to do the inside work that purposefully drives the outside journey.

Activity isn't the evil; imbalance is. Nothing is ALWAYS moving.

the Invocation of Forgotten Things I : the 3rd Death

2011-07-29T11:23:00.000-04:00

in my productivity
i've lost the product

the essence of what i do, who i am,
cheapened to a "task"
for which they barter and haggle
for bargains...
am i not more than that?

are you?

in the haste to be somebody
of value in this world
i've lost my access to the most
important realm
and because they couldn't see it
they denied its existence
that is normal.

but i've been among unearthly things
in half-waken dreams of higher awareness
what i've done is suicide

i long for home

my battery needs re-charging,
and i may die before i find
base
red light:
flashing ... beeping ... urgent ... messages ... left ... unchecked ...

gotta find base...
gotta find base...

my own fiery yang has depleted my oasis
too direct too focused...

like searching for drink once delirium of dehydration has had its way with you

heady blurry hot tired body craving asking "why" reaching groveling a spin sets in like intoxicated with foreign substance questions last minute too late answers turned vapors non-substance spirit salvation points mis-aligned med-i-ta-tion need-ed window seat badu in black keys need...

need?

something wet and flowing
curious vignettes of
sitting under willows
in timelessness and reverence
now dance across scorched vision like shadows

shadows that block the fluorescent light
floor: hard and cold
back: against it
heart: pumping in my ears and neck
eyes: closing

inner beyond under here

2011-04-27T17:45:00.000-04:00

fine tune

melody cryptic-type

awakening

inner

beyond

under here

no secret societies

but water people

do exist

like moon goddesses

and tree whisperers

inner

beyond

under here

worship is a dance

hypnotic and completely

voluntary

and involuntary

simultaneously

worship is war

worship is peace

worship is the sea (means)

worship is the submarine (vehicle)

or rather the tide

bringing those things

left unspoken for generations

inner

beyond

under here

love is passionate

verbose and flaming

too wide to be contained in words and thoughts alone

it seeps into divine action

selfless--but not self-annihilating--action

love, too bright

to be seen

must instead be felt

tasted

smelled

marinated in

and it's our new religion

full of completion-acceptance

light and dark

as all whole and Holy things are

inner beyond under here

the whole womb-man (woman)

2011-02-20T10:23:00.001-05:00

The "womb-man"

Infinite dichotomy and imperfect perfection, I am learning I can be Creator and Destructor at the very same time. How conditioned I've been! Believing I had to be ALL this or ALL that, rather than just fully WHOLE in all my apparent "contradictions." But is that not the very thing that all created reflections are made of? All powerful, eternal things?

Dark and Light

Up and Down

Hot and Cold

Intuition and Intellect

The tension between the poles is necessary for completion, stability...and wholeness and creativity. There can't be a north without a south. Seasons test the limitations of all creation--including its own
converging and dispersing with the remarkable ease of Nature, teaching us: nothing was made to remain constant, stagnant, unchanged.
Nothing is only anything...

Not me either...

In this sanctuary, guilt has no place here. I know that now.

Reflection: yes.

Correction: yes.

Choices: yes.

Acceptance: yes.

But for all the years I've felt guilty for feeling (as womb-men often do)...

and choosing to be "unfaithful" to one that had the incapacity to be "faithful" to me...
and it isn't about playing tit for tat.
It's about limitations, man-made rules, the associated judgments when one breaks those rules, and definitions that keep us bound to mortality

for faithfulness isn't just what you do and don't do--like commitment--
it's a state of believing.

and could it be, a state where rather than being controlled, one is provided the freedom of changing

going through seasons

like Nature

Faith, after all, believes what it cannot and does not see...
a walking on water of sorts, defying the odds...
not setting up perfectly "safe" conditions to provide a counterfeit sense of security that
something will or will not happen to you.

They say God is unchanging...perhaps, that is because the DIVINE encompasses all

The "Mother" is the "Father"

The Nurturer also the Disciplinarian

The Lover also the Infidel...

The Most High can't change when It/She/He embodies the concept of change so beautifully...

(it seems, when one embodies a concept...doing it ceases to be important...does Love, love? Or is it just LOVE? an endless well, expecting nothing, in all its essence?)

The whole womb-man

recognizes that she can be at once classy and crass,

holy and scandalous

the virgin and the temptress

and that these "dichotomies" "contradictions"

make her not a hypocrite or insincere,

but an honest manifestation of the Divine

often called "perfection"

Wombman,

a completion of the poles

a summer to your winter

or a torrential storm to your peaceful, serene day

All is me. I am all.

No uni-faceted creation am I,

and now,

fighting to be guilt-free

I surrender to the divinity of

wholeness...

and open myself to be misinterpreted

and misunderstood

as an infidel

hypocrite

even a witch, for my brazen disregard for unnecessary explanations and apologies

and seeming clarity of the things most allow others to analyze and decide a consensus for them

but I have found

in abandonment of my "self"*

piece by piece

I am finding I

in places and spaces

I was taught were "forbidden"

and now I know why:

a whole wombman can change history

and that,

my lovelies,

is a dangerous thing...

*self is defined here as the conditioned part of the identity's whole comprised of ego, others' expectations, societal norms, etc.

**I thank my Divine sista, Life is Real/Kali-Ma/Carmen Renee, for imparting this lesson to me before I went through an experience that helped me to really, truly, DIGEST this truth...my truth. You were the gatekeeper to a threshhold I needed to cross; thanks for preparing me sis. ;-)

in this place

2011-01-20T13:29:00.000-05:00

in this place

and i heard a Voice say,
"When you stand, remember where you plant your feet,
and be sure that
where you stand will not also be the very place you sink.
Check the land, before you drop your seeds,
and check your seeds before you plant them.

"When you pray, start by listening
releasing your selfishness and opening to the Light
the reveals...
there is power of Life and Death in the tongue,
so be hasty to utter nothing before the ONE."

and i heard a Voice say,
"you, daughter, ask for Sacred things and timeless
wisdom,
but do you, daughter, have Love enough to bear
the revelations?
and do you desire it?"

and from within me, between my third eye and heart chakras
i heard the same Voice answer with peace
and thirst,
from behind lips, slightly parted,
"yes, i do."

i desire to follow, and be a disciple
and i want to LOVE how Jesus did
and i want the freedom that comes with forgiveness

i want to open beyond church to a community
represent Your name for real, not just in formality
i want them to see You when they look at me

in this sanctuary
with no steeple,
prepare a place for me to serve Your children
Your reflections
Your beloveds
Your people

i won't push on them, or argue what's TRUE
LOVE is universal,
it's words in motion (action)
and
in this place,
LOVE is YOU

awakening

2011-01-04T22:05:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of fightin'
and picketin' for causes
a revolution can't just be fought in the streets

And underneath the fire,
I'm still a moon-child
the coolness of my nature slipping through clenched fists
raised high in the air
desperately longs to be

regathered

like silken petals
strewn delicately across my couch
just because it feels good

regathered

like lost pleasures
tucked in the recesses of my spirit
too long forgotten, unattended...
as I've been so cerebral these days

regathered

like the way
you pick me up and carry me to bed
after I slip into my parallel universe,
dancing with my subconscious

regathered

like the way it all comes together
when I realize you are carrying me,
and it's okay to be carried sometimes
and that I don't always have to stand
or run or carry others

regathered into a bouquet of
womanhood
celebrated and cherished
by grateful hands
and

a man
at last
... a man

Get.It.Together

2010-12-20T11:26:00.000-05:00

As a healer, one must be very keen about what she takes in.

"To choose life is to choose to forgive." - India Arie

I have internalized many things that men have done to me and the women I love. Perhaps, my calling is primarily to my sisters; however, the very nature of being a healer is love and forgiveness, even when faced with hurt, insensitivity and selfishness. It's a process, but I am willing to take the journey. I must release my bags to make room for my inheritance; there is no other way. So, I commit to "get it together" and release the yoke of anger and resentment...

but I'm keepin' my FIRE! ;-)

my prayer today

2010-12-18T13:07:00.000-05:00

God or Most High or Infinite or Ultimate or Divine Indescribable,

to the I AM

beyond any description
human understanding
ill-made idol

I am thirsty
I am empty
and I am searching

O Abba, have mercy!
Hide my shame from Your eyes

O Great Mother, nurture and guide
give me Your words in place of my pride

Where is The Path, The Way, The Light?
Is it what I know, is it what I hide?
Is it in those dreams, visions in sleep
truth and prophecy written in me

Someone once told me that Wisdom brings grief
Intuition has a price
still I ask, "Satisfy me."

I'm chosen
I know it
I accept who i am
I'm doubtful, I'm fearful
but I still present trembling hands open
and ready
to give up what I've known

To chase after Your Heart
and to do it alone--if need be.

To seek endlessly for Your Spirit or does It live within me
that I may become a vessel
to the Path as others seek?

But i must know my decision
is not just my tradition
i must know the Truth so I can faithfully serve
Committed

my desire is for You, to know You
to experience the fullness therein
my tears aren't for Your grace or salvation or heaven
my tears are to be One with You
just to be in Your presence

I want to know You
Experience You

I want to reflect You
I choose You, although it is not with certainty
that I know what I choose

I commit to discovering this purpose
that without a vision and basic comprehension
of the meaning and definition of life (beyond Webster)
every breath is worthless...

hear my cry, Most High
and, please, satisfy me...

I AM who I AM

2010-11-20T21:29:00.000-05:00

It just HIT me! Just like that! I'm reading about being a creative woman, when Paulo Coelho's voice in The Witch of Portobello becomes crystal clear...

Athena's teacher tells her, "Every day, know that you have ARRIVED."

In a world where everyone is constantly striving for this or that, from renting to owning; from dating to marriage; from study to graduation; from working to retirement...we find ourselves on this treadmill we call life. We claim that there's not enough time; somehow the things (and people) that meant the most got the least of our time; and the dreams we believed in as a child, we laugh at sadistically because we're too ashamed to admit that we became like everyone else~

But TODAY, I had an epiphany. TODAY I realize that I've arrived. I AM a healer. I AM a writer. I AM a dancer. I AM NOT solely what I do to make my money... no. That's been the dilemma all this time. I AM the priestess I am on the path to growing into. I AM the dancer that's working to get back on stage. I AM a writer with dreams of publication one day. And I don't have to WAIT for someone to PAY me before I take ownership of WHO I AM RIGHT NOW.

It's not the destination that makes you who you are: it's the JOURNEY.

So, I am a poet.healer.therapist.sexmagicqueengoddessmothercreator.actress.dancer.

And I create with every single BREATH. All praise to GOD. I AM.

you fine

2010-11-10T16:13:00.000-05:00

you fine
you real fine
smooth, fast talker with a big city heart
(which almost ain't no heart at all)
but you fine though

casting sideways glances at hips
with stories you couldn't imagine
or stomach to hear
since all you know is plunging into
wetness, open flesh receiving your
not-nearly-good-enough affection

you cast sideways glances
lusting after what should be worshipped
and protected
you imagine things you would
never confess to your
daughters
vulgar acts of possessing the warm, soft mounds that rise so gently and vulnerably
underneath sweaters, blouses, skirts, stretch jeans and leggings

but you fine
even though
you know nothing of magic or rituals
or making love without speaking
touching
without even thinking of places our mamas taught us not to let anybody touch

what you know about sutras
and giving
what do you know about marinating in desire
and saving it
saving her
saving yourself
what you know about SACRED things
with your fine self

and of honesty
and romance
what do you know
of the woman
you strive to conquer and possess
but have no clue about?

(to be continued...)

Every now and again

2010-08-14T12:26:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while, now and again, I get a feeling like I'm not going to exactly live up to all that I've dreamed. No aww's of pity are needed for me though, because I have a lurking suspicion that everyone hits one of these patches. You know... every once in a while, now and again.

It's nothing too deep or serious, just wondering if the things prioritized in my life are those that will yield the harvests I desire or if I'm just fooling myself. Maybe as soon as I travel that distance I will wake to see that the large oasis I was chasing was simply a mirage. It's as dry as can be. Will I regret where I put my time and the people I associated with? Will I realize that I was a lot more foolish than I originally thought to expect so much from people who never reciprocated the love I gave? Am I superwoman or super simple?

Every once in a while, now and again, I begin to wonder why I do the same things that have gotten me to the place where I am now (which I am not totally satisfied with, quite frankly). Is it just laziness or habit? Fear or lack of funds? What stops me from breaking through that invisible (and possibly non-existant) glass ceiling that threatens to withhold the very freshness of life that I need to keep this adventurous soul afloat?

What is it that stops you?

Revolutionary Road

2010-05-27T15:12:00.000-04:00

It was a movie I had been dying to see ever since I saw the previews because I could envision myself being Kate Winslet, screaming and howling in utter discontent and emptiness with the status quo that my at-that-time lover seemed to be striving for. At that time, I was in the car with him, heading to a place I'd always tried hard as hell to avoid.

In the movie, she says, "Frank, you should value what you do. You're obviously good at it."

There's an awkward silence, as Leonardo DiCaprio's character, Frank, digests what this could mean. After all, he had devastated his wife by changing their plans to move to Europe. He had called her an "empty, hollow shell of a woman" only the night before (which he apologized for). He had told her he had been cheating on her days before that (to which she genuinely replied, "Fuck who you want."), and now they were having a quiet (dare I say, peaceful) breakfast without their two children. Needless to say, this was really an awkward silence.

I guess seeing the movie again today got me thinking about valuing what I do, and watching what I get good at. Am I getting good at bullshitting?? Because a whole heap of people are good at that. Am I good at doing what I hate to do? Whether it's my job or a certain sexual position that I loathe but won't say because it might damage my lover's ego, I want to make sure I'm not getting good at things that are sucking the life out of me.

Let me never value that which is truly not one of my values. I never wanted what I was "supposed" to want. My belief in the concept of "security" is very different from that of my contemporaries, and I have spent a lot of time pursuing things that don't mean a damn thing to me in order to get from Point A to Point B.

I'm tired, and I don't want to just LIVE on Revolutionary Road; I want to travel it.

life and livin'

2010-05-14T16:15:00.000-04:00

Let me tell you one thing about life that I've come to realize: if you don't learn the art of livin', life will surely live the hell outta you! For the first time, I think I got the memo. I watch people go through life, letting life run them around with its unexpected surprises and blessings masked as "inconveniences." I watch them let life postpone their dreams and hopes, saying they have to do this and pay off that before the time will be "right." The only "right" time is the NOW. I've surely come to realize that!

Life will live you like it ain't yours to live! Like it's the one with a birthdate and expiration date, rather than the one that's eternal. Life will take you if you don't make it yours. Just like a horse, you gotta get that sucka used to the reigns early as hell if you don't want to end up in a whole lotta places you never thought you'd be! Make your decisions, because even indecision makes you! Believe that! You can put things off if you wanna, tryna look responsible and have "security," but when the rubber hits the road you better know what real responsibility and security is if you're going to turn this lemon orchard into a lemonade stand, lemon merengue pie, and lemon creamsicle. You better learn the art and dance of life; and you better be its master.

come to the edge

2010-04-05T18:10:00.000-04:00

And while you were sleeping,
love beckoned to me
rapping upon my window
with her fingertips
whispering with fullness, "Come."

and I took one glance at
the Peace dancing on your eyelids,
the Vulnerability you wore as
a blanket
tucked so very closely to your chin
and I wanted to be
inside of your skin
because maybe I could feel what it felt like
to be naked
and scared
and hoping
and unsure but determined

and maybe I could hold onto
the feeling one gets
when she stands on the edge
of a great height
with the comforting wisdom
that death is not in the fall,
but the fear
that keeps one
firmly planted
only on flat land

void of adventure
thrill
and reward.

Love asked me to
drink from her
bittersweet cup...
to leave you, and rendezvous with her
for she cannot be possessed
unhave-able,
just like me,
she is boundless

and I am consumed in her infinity...
as Gibran said:

"a boundless drop to a boundless sea"

I went to her.

where's your focus?

2010-03-30T21:12:00.000-04:00

Are you reading between the lines
"time" gives its sign
and it's not a peace one

We are all riding somewhere
it's where you're seated that matter...
Do you see out the window or is your glass tinted?

Stop stuntin'
behind dark shades...
Enough are up already, but you can't see through those...

And I'm lookin' for the Messiah
any day now
I'm lookin' for the One...

It matters where we sit,
because whether--and what--we see
dictates when, and for what, we'll stand.

Window Seat... pay attention

2010-03-30T20:59:00.002-04:00

amidst the lillies

2010-02-04T01:56:00.000-05:00

Taking time to lay among the lillies in my life, I find myself so completely and utterly full with God's creative expressions of His infinite love for me, that I'm overwhelmed. Along with family members that are devoted beyond belief and friends that are basically family, I have been blessed with those who truly encourage me to pursue my absurd dreams.

I know this won't be this way forever, but it's this way NOW. So for NOW, I am full/filled with an abundant gratitude that makes me thank God for every generous, kind, thoughtful, loving, selfless thing that anybody does. Suddenly blessings become evident everywhere I turn. I see the best and the half full glasses all around, patiently waiting for me to see the other side.

And when I'm in this garden--my secret garden--among the lillies, the fragrance of an open heart, faithful spirit, and obedient walk saturates my skin. I am no longer pretending to be that woman, I am becoming her genuinely.

greener grass

2010-01-31T13:35:00.000-05:00

Why is it that we can never be satisfied with what we have?? The eyes are never satisfied. Chasing after illusions of what might be, we gamble away things that are worth sharing and possessing and experiencing for the promise of some possibility that really ain't all that appetizing once we have to eat it.

So, I ask again, why are we never satisfied? So few experience the phenomenon of their cup running over or even being half full. We think the next fly beau or babe will be the one to take us to that place we've dreamt of, but never fully reached because we don't slow down long enough to realize that we're empty. And no matter how fly or fine, how much money or how much time, no matter what this person ever does or tries they can never be enough to keep us satisfied. We are hollow.

Simply lacking the ability to retain substance. Possibilities are drawn into the realm of reality by our pessimistic mentalities, which are conditioned to worry about the future consistently. We are so frequently coveting that we rarely say, "Thank you." And rather than uproot the weeds, water and landscape what we've been given, we forsake our treasure in search of more, oblivious to the fact that we haven't even nurtured what we've been given.

I commit to tending my OWN garden.

heartbreak is...

2010-01-07T15:35:00.000-05:00

heart/break
is
wanting your head
on my shoulder,
and for you
not to
be
scared

trust
that I love you
in every possible way
a woman can
love a
man
even though
we've never
known
the luxury
of commitment
or label

heart/break is me
telling you
I'm here
and you
knowing it, before the words
slip through
my parted lips

heart/break is
you not knowing
that your
dreams have
become a part
of my own
menagerie;
I guard each
piece
as if it were
the last rainbow
I'd ever see

And I see into the heart
of you
through your life
under your mind
I bathe
in your subconscious
knowing
the things
you're grasping to find:
you are
my
soul/mate
even though
you don't believe
in them.

And if past lifetimes
are real,
we were there
together.
Doubtlessly,
I assert,
I am part of your answer
and, you,
bumblebee,
are part of mine.

Heart/break is
aching to give
you all the BEST
life has to offer...
pacifying the pain
and just leaving the lesson
undoing the mistakes
that you may
regret
and joyfully placing before
you an
array
of beauty:
each item and idea
carefully
engraved with
your name
and watching you savor
each
and every thing
with excitement and
optimism in your
eyes

I see you.

heart/break is
us knowing
that once something
is broken
love heals it
stronger
than it was before,
but most
importantly,
love heals.

what i'm learnin

2010-01-07T12:18:00.001-05:00

Welcome to 2010!!! We are a year closer to ushering in the Age of the Aquarian (I am TOOOOOO EXCITED!!! Can you tell? December 21st, 2012 is the day!).

Around the bayou, reflection is inevitable...it must be something about the hushed hum of dragonflies or the stillness that all of nature has assumed with gratitude to God for another successful revolution around the sun.

I've been thinkin' about what I'm learnin'...

like:

to love takes courage, and courage can only exist where there's fear

dreams are real and vital like air

when one door closes, another door (or window, trapdoor, skylight...) opens

the night has secret powers

plans were meant to be rearranged (I think it's God's way of bringing out the neurosis or artist [or are they the same?] in us)

we are ALL still growing

there is truly nothing lost in the fire

busyness is not the same as productivity and being "responsible" is overrated ;)

I'm beautiful AND lovable

there's enough love for everyone, and I got a whole lot of it

we really ARE what we eat

respect for seasons makes the art of living much more graceful

the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward (or at least the better the story is after it)

I think I really DO want to be a vegetarian (for now at least)

not everything that's begun needs to be finished...

only those avenues that are dear to our hearts and worth it

Welcome back, to BluMoon'sBayou!

in this between

2009-12-30T20:50:00.000-05:00

How did I get myself entangled in
this matrix of thought and emotion?

What is it that I call myself doing?
I know that gray has never
been my color
when I live in black and white.

I know just letting things be
isn't my strong suit
nor is it my desire
right now,.

So what is it that I call myself doing
in this between
with an anomaly
of a man-child?
Ain't I too old for this?

Shouldn't I be shamed
or should I just
keep feeling my
way through this maze with my mind
shut "off"

let the lists go

2009-12-06T22:10:00.000-05:00

I've always had this long list of things to do and be...

lately I find myself letting go, and just trusting that the most important things, I will remember. All else can wait. It works so much better than always striving to DO something. Sometimes, the best thing to DO is to just BE.

My girl has a new book: Freshmen Honeyz!!!!!!

2009-12-03T18:32:00.002-05:00

My sista-friend has accomplished a great feat!!! She has written her own book and it's the hotness! I'm not just saying that because she's a friend of mine; I'm saying it as a fellow writer. If you want an intriguing novel and coming-of-age tale about 5 young women, then this is definitely a book you need to check out! It will make you laugh...it will make you think...it will make you want to tell a friend...

Here's the link: http://www.mahoganywoodland.com/

Please support!

balinese logic is my cup of tea

2009-11-10T18:01:00.000-05:00

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." -Wayan

I think so too...

love, so love

2009-11-08T18:43:00.000-05:00

Is it unrealistic? If you want to be in love, love. Love is all around us. The power to do something without expecting something in return, not even credit. Can I stay in this place, more or less, of believing that there is enough love for everyone??

That although we live in a capitalistic and competitive society, we do not have to compete for love or lovers. We can focus on giving more and realize the peace and joy that comes with relinquishing this idea that we're entitled to receive all the time. Yes, I fall in this trap myself; still, it's not necessary.

And must all single women always complain that life isn't worth living if they don't have a man? This is not true. I don't believe it's true. I know loneliness is a horror at times; I'm a witness to that. Still, if we allow God to show us the 80% of life and living that we miss from always trying to be cozy in our lil' opaque boxes, then I believe we'd see that love isn't to be chased down or lured (that's when you get those nasty, addictive love substitutes--not real).

You want to love? So love. You want to be IN love? So be there.

transcend what...

2009-11-06T23:26:00.000-05:00

i frolic in
between the
tangible and metaphysical
i find the thin
blue line on the horizon
to trace with my fingertips

and then i laugh

i allow the motion
to fill me up
spill out of my eyes
seep from the corners
of my mouth
pour into my ears
and weave a cozy lil'
web
i am resigned to rest in

as full
as alive
as a hodge-podge
of energy and stillness
passion and peace
i find God
in breath
and pain

i am a tree
and a part
of all that is beautiful
and strong
and eternal
and real
and meaningful.

i fly,
too.

heart jolt

2009-11-04T13:11:00.001-05:00

Dear Old Friend,

I just spoke with a mutual friend of ours, and it was strange to hear her say that you asked to not be forgotten on the invitation to her pending wedding...

I guess, since I haven't heard from you in 14 weeks and 3 days, it's almost like you don't really exist anymore. Of course, I think of you daily and such, but unless I see your car or hear someone mention your name (or ask me the dreaded question "Have you talked to him?" or "Has he called you?" ...it's soooo frustrating sometimes), it just seems as if we--"us"--never existed. Days melt into nights, nights leap into days, and we continue on our separate paths to wherever God may desire us. My heart is healing, but every now and then it's jolted by an unexpected reminder of the fact that you aren't very far at all. My heart even beats faster...

In fact, you live less than 15 minutes driving distance from my house; we attend the same place of worship every Sunday; and you still speak to people around me although you don't speak to me. Thanks for the consideration during this delicate time of regrouping. I appreciate that you haven't vacillated between wanting me and not; you are sure that you want to be where you are, which is apart from me.

A woman can't ask for more than that: consistency, clarity, and honesty.

It just seems that as soon as my water is still, tranquil, a pebble gets tossed in creating ripples of emotions from the memory of you (which I purpose myself not to dwell on). I wonder, if I will feel the same way when it's been 6 months. I wonder if you will remember my birthday (and call or at least email). I wonder if I'll ever hear from you again in life... I wonder if you've forgotten--and gotten over--me completely. I wonder what I would say if you returned...

I wonder, sometimes, although I hate to admit it, if you will...

Your friend,
Life

a new definition of soul mate

2009-10-29T08:05:00.001-04:00

An excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

"...I seriously believe David was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. ..."

bad dreams

2009-10-24T10:21:00.001-04:00

I had a bad dream again...

Back in the day, when I had nightmares, I would go to him and he would reassure me that it wasn't the truth. If we were beside one another, he'd hold me until I went back to sleep and I found safety there. My counseling pastor--before he had a stroke--told me that grief was cyclical, to not be alarmed if I felt fine for days or even weeks, and then SUDDENLY felt as if I were back at square one.

This morning, that's exactly what I feel! Frantic thoughts of how did I get here!?!? What went wrong? Am I not really where I thought I was with being "over" the breakup?? The good thing is that I see that bad dreams don't kill me. I am capable of getting comfort through prayer, stillness, and positive self-talk. Still, this morning, I want him to do what he always did before and hold me. Noone else; just him. In my heart, it's like NO ONE can be him.

The dream: I dreamt he married this woman who has given me so much headache and grief. He was MARRIED to her, and I was just baffled, especially when he said that his heart was still with me. I was adamant, not about him being with me, but just NOT being with her. I tried to remind him of all the character traits he'd witnessed in her when he was with me, and he only said, "Yeah...but my family loves her and maybe your mother was right..." I never heard the rest of that sentence. The dream went on, but that is the basic summary.

SO, I'm up and trying to shake the gravity of the emotions I feel. Confusion, hurt, betrayal, abandonment, loss, a tinge of sorrow, loss, and longing...all mixed together in a shake ... I want reassurance from him and know that's impossible (and improbable) at this point, so I turn to God.

Psalm 51 (the whole psalm is a repentant one; I haven't been seeking the way I should be lately), specifically the verses below:

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,

the God who saves me,

and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart,

O God, you will not despise.

I know I will be okay, even if it hurts. Something tells me though, I will need stillness and strength of heart for whatever is to come. Better get prepared...

this evening

2009-10-15T22:59:00.000-04:00

i speak.

my thoughts are broken, but my heart isn't. that's good. i am able to listen to love songs again, and smile. although every now and again i get plagued with the thought that i made him leave with all my mistakes. temper and all, blame and shame set in, but it usually doesn't last too long these days.

but they visited me today, and tried to make me answer the question, "who's fault was it? who's responsible?" after standing speechless looking between the two instigators, Wisdom whispered, "what does it matter? your life is about forgiving, learning, living, and loving at this point. accept the things you cannot change with serenity, change the things you can with courage, I am here to help you tell the difference."

they cowered back at that truth. i guess they heard Her too. i found my voice. i spoke to the shadows. "i made mistakes, did things i regret, and i apologized sincerely to my ex-lover, my God, and myself. i meant what i said when i told him that God is still working on me, and He is. i told the truth. i did what i could at that time given where i was mentally, emotionally, spiritually... and i loved him as best i knew how. it was far from perfect, but it was genuine. and i don't know how he'll remember me; maybe with relief at his decision to leave, or anger or maybe bittersweetness ... but i am blessed by knowing him and i can't let what he may think affect the way i see myself now ... and..."

they waited, sneers in eyes... but i continued

"and that's it. any further talk of this qualifies as dwelling on something that no longer exists and that woman i was when i was with him, SHE no longer exists. so this new occupant, the woman you see before you today, will not be opening the door for future visits. if you would excuse me, the present is waiting for me to live."

and then i got out the car and left them there.

when i returned, i could still smell their odor, but they were gone.

dedicated to Lena

2009-10-12T01:02:00.000-04:00

**Lena is a character in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants**

untitled

what is it that i hide
for so long
underneath a coat of certainty,
a cloak of unattainability,
keeps me aloof
and relieves me of the "responsibility" of fully loving?

i, too, long to be known
in a way i've been much to frightful
and defensive
and "strong"
to acknowledge and allow.
only loss disarms me now.
only the silence opens my mouth
and heart
to the reality

that I, crusader of truth,
have been lying
to me.
i wasn't open,
then,
and maybe i'm not "ready" now
but i thirst for it
still...

a breathtaking love
that gives life
and
proves me
a romantic
after all.

never going back...

2009-10-09T16:00:00.002-04:00

Two nights ago, I dreamt about a couple of my exes. Although I don't remember the dream exactly, I awoke with the sentiment of never going back. It was dark in the room, but I could feel the tears collecting in my ears while I lay looking into the vast blackness that my mind knew was a ceiling. Then came the thoughts. The thoughts of failure and blame and guilt (the emotions always start as thoughts) crowded my fatigued psyche, and the tears ran quicker.

Suddenly, it stopped. The pain and disappointment didn't, but the tears, mounting despair, and apathy did. I figured it was divine intervention because nothing within me registered any extra strength for fighting a mental attack on self-esteem at 3 am in the morning in Lakeland, Florida. I realized that God was telling me something: you are NEVER going back.

Back to what? I wondered warily. Back to them? I already knew that ... for the first 2 exes, there is no longer a desire on my part (or theirs, I assume). For the most recent ex, ...well, he made the decision to leave and I've purposed to reserve myself or my feelings for no man, so... it will be what it will be (meaning I won't make assumptions about the future...who knows? I certainly don't.).

But that wasn't what it was about... the voice interrupted my thoughts, No! You are never going back.

Then I got it. The dream replayed snippets of things I had done that I wasn't proud of in those 3 relationships. Things that left me feeling guilty and overly responsible for the "failure" of the relationships. I'm never going back to the fearful woman/child I was with those men. I'm never going back to being a slave of insecurity and childhood abuse. I'm never going back to not knowing my worth and preciousness. I'm never going back to rejecting love given with honesty and earnestness...I'm never going back... I purposed within myself and repeated these affirmations to God meaning every word. There was peace, and I knew I received the intended message.

To my most recent love, I say (if you're reading this), thank you for showing me the unfettered love that you did and for helping me grow. The positive effects of your coming into, sharing in/contributing to, and even exiting my life are still continuing and I love you immensely for that. In all that we shared, PB, I can only pray and hope that God used me to start a ripple of positive (even if painful) lessons along your journey of self-reclamation and discovery. He surely used you in mine.

healing over love

2009-10-09T02:20:00.002-04:00

How long does it take for one's heart to heal? Will I always miss him? If not, when will it end? I hope soon. I don't like holding on to one that has walked away, but I promised myself that I would honor me enough to be honest with myself and others. I wouldn't medicate away my emotions or drown them out with activity, and for the last almost 2 days...my heart has been aching to just hear his voice. That's the truth.

Link to 365 days to dream

2009-09-29T22:34:00.000-04:00

http://365days2dream.blogspot.com/

human nature...

2009-09-28T20:27:00.004-04:00

Listening to the hauntingly, ambiguous lyrics and alluring melody of Michael Jackson's "Human Nature," something awakens within. I can't quite put my finger on it...what it is. "Get me out into the nighttime/ four walls won't hold me tonight..." resonates with a deeper part of me, and I can't deny this desire to explore beyond where I am, beyond where I've been. The desire to connect with a world outside of this comfort and to fully explore the humanity of my nature: the desire to know and be known, fully. To step into the mystery and uncertainty of "night" and break out of the four walls that have held me for so long: fear, guilt, comfort, and habit.

Somehow, the city is personified and there is this love affair between Jackson and the mystique that the city holds. Maybe it's something that every artist experiences: a supernatural draw to the things, places, and people that others overlook. And while I know that peace and love and faith are not found in things, people, and places outside of me, I do believe that those three categories can be catalysts for self-discovery and a gateway to learn/meet/experience God for myself. I too believe, along with the writers of this song, that it's human nature to thirst for something more. Not just in an insatiable, materialistic sense; no, I'm talking about something that beckons us to go further, push deeper, explore a little more beyond the "norm" or what's "possible". Maybe since most of us neglect this gentle tug, it's viewed as strange or irresponsible by some when pursued by the minority, but I tend to believe that there are jewels that light the way in these forsaken treasure boxes of life. Love.

I lost my aunt this weekend; the same day I found out she died, I also found out that the services were being held 2 hours from the phone call. One thing I know that she would want is for me not to make the mistake and temper my longings (the substantial ones) for anything (or anyone), or to assume that I have time. None of us "have time." We are merely sharing space in a complex far beyond our comprehension. It's a test, a trust, and a temporary assignment. "Time" waits for no (wo)man because time isn't the dependent variable in this equation; time has no expiration date: we do.

So, tomorrow begins "365 days to dream," and I will share it with you all. I will begin to explore the complexities of my own human nature and all the intricacies and complexities of a woman attempting to discover God within and outside of herself. It will chronicle a year of my pursuits to push past my fears and heartaches, into the sunlight of promise and desire looking for a dream that, to this point, has only existed in my head. It will be vulnerable. Naked. Graphic. Necessary and a host of other things that I'm sure I cannot even begin to project... and hopefully, a bridge to wherever and whoever I am to be...

john mayer said it all...

2009-09-26T00:49:00.002-04:00

i'm sitting here exploring music (it's a night for musical exploration) and stumbled upon john mayer (who i was vaguely familiar with, but am now a HUGE fan of)... something he said almost brought me to tears in his song "Daughters":

"So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too"

i wish all men could hear this, so they could see the pivotal role they have in the lives of their children...not just the boys, the girls too.

this is cathartic...

"boys you can break/
you find out how much they can take/
boys will be strong/
boys soldier on/
boys would be gone without/
warmth from a woman's good good heart"

...we all need each other to be as healthy as possible; it's a symbiotic relationship...

...just thinking

2009-09-25T22:06:00.002-04:00

I wonder what you're doing right now? Are you just coming back from the gym or studying? Wishing I could tell you that I made it to that audition, and I thought of you all day. Thanks for sending that through... and don't worry, I didn't read too much into the gesture.

Funny, since you left, I've been so focused on my dreams and pushing them through...it's like proof that all the times I said I just needed time to "get myself together" was SO on point. More than either of us knew, at that time...

But I miss my lover, my best friend, my "playmate," ... and accomplishing and growing isn't the same without you. I've moved from a deep depression to a constant bittersweet longing to just hear your voice or see you smile. I stop myself from completing certain thoughts or asking questions that would require an answer from you, and tell myself that it doesn't matter. If you have something you want to tell me, you will. Otherwise, I can assume that it's over, move on with my life, let all the memories and hopes go, and stop wishing so damn hard that I could tell that you miss me and love me

as much as I miss and love you.

it feels good

2009-09-19T20:11:00.004-04:00

Like Tony Toni Tone'...it feels damn good!

Just did a hair show at the H Street Festival today and it was LIVE! I still have the plant and twigs in my updo...I wish I could wear my hair like this everyday!!! Why not?!? Who's stopping me?? What's stopping me?? There's no rule against me wearing my hair in a mohawk or dying it green. Nothing to say don't get that henna tattoo up your leg or write blogs in the nude (which I'm currently doing)...

I just started today, being and doing what I truly feel within (within reason, of course) and throwing standards to the wind! I have made myself one happy camper, and possibly inspired others (this is the real jewel) to do the same. Love yourself! Be yourself! Accept yourself! was my garment of choice today. And be prepared for whatever may come your way as a result, but hold on to that center within. That light that grows brighter with every choice made to be more authentic and truer...it will keep me anchored even when criticisms soar...

This is my first item completed off my list of things that I want to do/explore. I want every person to experience this feeling: the feeling of doing something you strongly desire to do yet that intimidates the hell outta ya! Or just doing something that you say you don't have time to do (cuz you're so preoccupied with doing things that bore or stress the crap outta you). You only live once, DO IT!

Lots of kisses and love to the world, and praise and thanks to God...one little dream came true and it feels so good (I sang that one out loud)...

pleasantries go a loooonnnnngggg way!

2009-09-18T10:09:00.002-04:00

Good morning world!

At work bright and early and daggone near on time, feeling great because it's Friday and just turned a negative into a POSITIVE with some positive affirming energy! I'm feelin' GOOD. ... Like Nina Simone should be playing in the background...

Last night I was reading the last couple of chapters in 2 Corinthians where Paul was talking about how people (false teachers) in Corinth were saying that he was "bold" in his letters, but when he actually came to visit them in person, he was "weak" and poor in speech (2 Corinthians 10 is a MUST READ). What he said in response reminded me that my definition of "strength" as a woman of God should be different--and LOOK different--than the world's definition.

My strength comes in the ability to humbly seek God, pray, love (in the face of hate), endure, be faithful in bleak times, and know when to surrender. My strength is in my endurance, not my aggression; my humility, not my pride; my admission of my human weakness, not my "strengths" and denial of flaws...for when one is striving to live his/her life in the sight of God's memory and walk in the path of Christ's legacy, that person realizes that their so-called strength is as nothing.

For a firecracker like myself, this is a huge pill to swallow. My first inclination is to always chew somebody out, if not slap them dead in the face (that's a huge weakness for me, my quick temper). Although I'm not usually the aggressor, I can be when I feel threatened or used or taken for granted or a myriad of other things...

Now I see how I am to handle those that try to discredit me or talk down to me: it's not to meet them on their level, it's to use that scuffle as an opportunity to show God that representing Him is more important than being "right" in human eyes (especially my own...).

SO this morning, I have a director who emails me a very "snippy" email response to my email (which basically asked if he could make sure some information was up-to-date). Then, he takes it upon himself (after I respond very positively via email) to call me and tell me how what I originally asked would have wasted his time, I need to make sure that I'm not asking him to double check things that are already in place, blah blah blah.

I listened, patiently (I truly wasn't ruffled, even though his tone was condescending). I told him I completely understood where he was coming from and repeated what he said back to him to double check that I understood him, then I commended him for his agency's excellent performance (he IS on top of stuff) and let him know the reason my project required that I send that email. I assured him that it wasn't a personal judgment on his agency's work ethic, but a necessary check-up just to be sure that everything was going as it should. You wouldn't BELIEVE the difference in his demeanor!!! He started joking and laughing, apologizing and saying he understood. He even called my supervisor and told her that she should hire me full time, that he loved me and on and on. He's QUITE a colorful character, which I love in people!

His opinion of me, whether favorable or unfavorable, doesn't really matter as much as the fact that love and patience go a long way. I'm sure things won't always be so easily deflected, but I felt a whole lot better when I got off the phone than I would have if I got snippy and condescending back. Eliminate the argument by:

1. demonstrate understanding first
2. confirm that you've understood correctly
3. state your point clearly and politely
4. allow others experience their own emotions and response, but take NONE of it personally

I'm loving it!

GoldEN DayS (pt. 2)

2009-09-10T19:37:00.002-04:00

Today, I awoke to the beauty of the flowers on the kitchen table. Kissing each bloom made me feel as if the power of its being--the godliness in its essence--was being transferred to me, while I shared a bit of my godliness with them. It's something that I'd like to do daily...come in contact with something that's alive each day, after morning prayers and psalms.

Cooler, the day still held a box of surprises. I made plans to go out with a girlfriend tomorrow; spoke with another friend about a trip that's in the works; thought about dance classes; and ate a juicy "little" hamburger from Five Guys that left me stuffed and lethargic, but satisfied nonetheless.

Grocery shopping for the next week, I ran into a guy with two dangling gold earrings (one in each ear) who told me that he was aspiring to be a comedian. He sure had me laughing! I'm trying to self-checkout, wondering why the lean chicken breasts will not ring up, and here comes this black man, about 5' 10", with a red rag tied on his head talkin about "I loooove that purple dress. ...You know purple's my favorite color..." I took one look at him, in all his biker-looking glory and bust out laughing. By the time I had loaded the last bag of groceries into my car, I found myself truly hoping he makes it to his dream ...

Then, I helped my next door neighbor with her homework. She struggles with Social Studies and needed help identifying the states by shape. Her mother told me, "I tol' ha I don'no de ansa to dat! I am from Africa!!" At that, we both had a hearty laugh. ...Fast forward, my aunt bought me a jumbo pink candle from A.C. Moore (one that I wanted) and it's a HOT pink too, not that ole baby pink. I can't wait to burn it tonight... then I thought about my ex (that sounds so negative, my "ex"...how about ... my El... I like that...) and allowed myself time to grieve the loss I feel with some tears... I need that every now and then these days...

Then a poem in the front of J. California Cooper's book Some Love, Some Pain, Sometime made me cry a little harder, but offered some relief too... it says:

Love entered in my heart one day
A sad, unwelcome guest.
But when it begged that it might stay
I let it stay and rest.

It broke my nights with sorrowing
It filled my heart with fears
And, when my soul was prone to sing,
It filled my eyes with tears.

But...now that it has gone its way,
I miss the dear ole pain,
And, sometimes, in the night I pray
That Love might come again.

And the beauty of even pain held me close, and whispered, "It's still meant. You are still safe." So, I smiled...

2 gOLDeN dayZ (pt. 1)

2009-09-10T19:12:00.004-04:00

The last two days have been remarkable: I'm in awe at how beautiful God is...

Yesterday, it started with a decision to have a GREAT day. Simply put, I CHOSE to see the bright side even through the clouds, falling temperatures, and tapering rain. Even as I began accepting the sullenness that coated the day, I felt a dynamic radiance within that was soon mirrored outside. It was sunny, warmer... actually perfect.

I couldn't ask for more...

Nothing more than a stroll in the low 70's weather, with just enough breeze to soothe. Closing my eyes for moments at a time, I knew that everything would be just fine. I was going to be fine, and so was the rest of the world. "Fine" doesn't always look like what I want, but "fine" is always meant and there's comfort in knowing that even the inconveniences and unpleasant surprises of life can and will bring about an immense beauty if I keep hoping and believing in even the possibility. And I do.

For a string of moments woven together, I embraced the necklace of optimism and idealistic view. Everything was golden, and I traced the essence with appreciative fingertips. I do believe that people are essentially good, like Pearl Cleage's character Abbie in Seen It All & Done the Rest. I also believe that beauty fights evil and that gardens, butterflies, bright colors, smiles, and laughter bring healing in the hardest and coldest of places (and people). Everyone loves something beautiful, whether it shows or not. And I am growing to accept that I desire to do everything in--and with-- love...or not at all.

With each step, I sank deeper into this emerging self. Wiggled my toes, felt my locks tickle the spot on my back right between my shoulder blades...I felt good. And I didn't feel any guilt for it because I knew that the world needed me to feel good and that I, like butterflies and gardens, am beautiful and a healing agent in a wounded world. Yes, I have my wounds, but they are healing. Gardens have weeds, but they are still refreshing to see, and nourishing, even...

After viewing a Colombian Heart and being given a beautiful bouquet of pink and orange flowers by a woman associated with the organization responsible for the colorful hearts, I knew I was blessed. If I ever, ever had a doubt that God still loved me, the fragrance and feel of the organisms snuffed it out.

I...

was...

full.

write the vision...make it plain

2009-09-04T09:55:00.000-04:00

My dream:

I want to tell stories, with my body...my voice...my pen...my life. My story and others'...and I want those stories to heal the world (or at least the part of it that I'm in ).

prettY wingS

2009-08-30T22:08:00.006-04:00

"...if I can't have you let love set you free to find your pretty wings..."
-Maxwell

I wonder if that's what this is ... if this is what it's supposed to be: our furious flame dissolved to the familiarity of two ships passing in the night, blinking lights in an almost nostalgic recognition. Somewhere within, I have yet to surrender to what is ... leaving my soul exhausted from wrestling with reality and desire. Although I don't desire to return to the painful addiction that was frequently our "love," I do believe that the core is pure, unadulterated, mind-blowing, world-stopping, family-sustaining love. And I believe that kind of love is divine and healing and nurturing and necessary and eternal

even if we never meet, speak, or experience each other again.

"...time will ring the real end of our trial, one day there'll be no remnants no trace no residual feelings within ya, one day you won't remember me..."

I love you, but I have to release you to your highest good. I cannot wrestle with what will be or won't be... I can neither compete with my past performances nor compensate for them. But for the record, you should know that fear taints even the richest and purest of affections. I never meant to hurt you or be so deeply hurt by you ... never intended for our season to end, but I am humbled by our current status: apart.

"...toyed with my affliction had to fill out my prescription found the remedy...I had to set you free..."

You had to leave, you have to live...

I had to leave

I have to live ...

I cry

2009-08-27T15:45:00.002-04:00

Frequently I cry at the thought of you...missing the way you kissed my face relentlessly before going off to work and the way you snored when you were sleeping after being exhausted for days (although you'd always deny it vehemently). I've realized that the promise of joy in the morning doesn't come without weeping, and it is the very expression of the grief that provides the Divine relief and clarity to follow.

I try not to think of you for long spells, so I don't begin wondering if you're happier without me and all those thoughts that we know aren't productive, but are so tempting to entertain, nevertheless. Making sure that I follow the path God has set before me, as murky as it is in some places. As distant as it may be... I have resigned to believe in God's destiny and that what God has for me is for me and no one else. Secretly, I hope you are in that plan. And I hope that you hope I am in yours too...

Funny, in a person's absence, how we seem to remember no wrong. No...funny, how in your absence, I seem to remember no wrong although I do recall complaining an awful lot. I guess that's what we do when we're comfortable and unrealizing that criticisms cause divides that can be irreparable when not constructive, necessary, or tamed. I was comfortable with you. Told you more than I've shared with those I've known for years and years... you had the book in your hands. And my heart, which you so lovingly gave back to me...it still bleeds, a little every day for our loss.

alone, i stand

2009-08-20T19:25:00.005-04:00

in memory of 'us'

i wish you could see

the foxes reveal themselves

the way i've seen them,

shed their sheepish grins to expose

the ill intent

that was always there...

i wish you could see how

they laugh at our misfortune,

flaunting their own victories

feigning empathy

gloating

enjoying

the crumble of our wall...

but i, alone, stand

in memory of the all that was beautiful

and right

and glorious

and strong

and powerful

and real

and rich

and fertile

and orgasmic

and climatic

and organic

and creative

and sacred

and unspoken

and cherished

and touched

and healed

and rejuvenated

and clarified

and you

and me

and us

and forever

and promises

for I know that circles are never broken

and what God says, will be

so I alone, stand

a representative

that what they meant for evil

God intends for good...

and it is written,

so it is done.

the shade of my own tree

2009-08-17T17:20:00.003-04:00

I just finished listening to this book by Sheila Williams. The title caught my eye in the library and I thought this is just what I need during this time in my life ... to discover the shade of my own tree. My life has been clad with the efforts to help and usher others into their promised land, while I stay stuck in the wilderness of fear, procrastination, and just plain exhaustion. I yearn to escape the expectations of the familiar and manifest in a place where nobody knows my name, or at least that's what I think I want. I guess I won't know until I do, right?

I'm learning that I'm much better at nurturing, protecting, forgiving, and even loving others than I am at doing that for myself. The only time the deficiency in self-love is super evident is when I'm in a romantic relationship: once another crawls under the covers with me (figuratively...get your mind out of the gutter!). Upon entering that secret garden, Mr. Boyfriend discovers what's behind the self-assuredness, sassiness, and intelligence that's so bold at first. He discovers that a wounded girl lives there, and she's been neglected. Now, what's really probably going through his head is This bitch is crazy as hell!!!! Still, what he's seeing primarily is years upon years of covered wounds (triggered by various actions that aggravate deep-seated insecurities). And we all know what our mamas said: can't nothin' heal if it's covered! That's for sure!

So, I'm on a quest to discover God more fully within myself and to throw off the heavy outdated cloak that's hidden my figure for too long. Someplace where I can walk around naked, unashamed, flaws and ALL. A place where I can walk through the invisible wall of fear into my destiny and my big girl undies (or thongs...wink). A pasture... a sanctuary where I will not only find refuge and healing, but be used by God to provide it for others as well. This sanctum is most importantly WITHIN, but an external quest doesn't seem all that bad either...

And maybe the seeds from all the lessons I've learned and the tears that I've cried from the pain they've caused will combine in a wonderful gestation process and produce a beautiful, strong, deeply-rooted tree. With fruit! And it will spread and house birds and all kinds of wonderful buzzing things that I'm usually not too fond of ... and provide shade for the weary and the well...

I am open to the process and in the posture of submission...

horizon and here

2009-08-14T14:43:00.006-04:00

I'm beginning to see beyond the simmering sadness that is my constant companion these days--along with peace and immense hope. I haven't remembered the last time I could wake up and the day be mine: alone. Where I was the sole factor in what was and wasn't done in the day. Never have I been more aware of God's omnipresence, than now. When my quiet summer days are filled with the gentle hum of insects busily contributing to their miniscule--yet significant--worlds, I am there.

I am more present than I've ever been in this lifetime, and it's frighteningly invigorating. The pain of loss awakens my senses and everything is 100 times purer than before. I'm not napping through my life anymore. Time is passing, and I am made aware of each minute and heartbeat: the sanctity in every single one. Hope and vision fights off loneliness, but I'm sure I will eventually meet its acquaintance as well. God cradles me in His arms and I truly couldn't ask for more, although I do. It's not that I am unhappy with all He has done; I guess I'm just trying to make sure that He knows I believe in His goodness and grace and desire to bless me. I just want to make sure He knows that I am open now to receive His love and instruction. I am humbled and obedient.

Still there are moments when I reminisce on what was and what could've been, but I try not to stay there very long. After all, lessons that are extracted are all that's really necessary to be productive and healthy now. But you know how minds are, forever playing the "if...then" game. I'm not participating. It brings me great peace to believe that God knows what He is doing and there is very little I could've done to avoid this growing process. Even if it didn't come in the form of a break up, it would've come because I prayed for it and it was His Will. And I choose to be obedient to that Will. The horizon lays before me, and I am glad that I have something to look forward to: he gave me a glimpse of what love ought to taste and feel like. I also know that I am here, and there should be no better time in my life than now: not the future, not the past. There will always be horizons, even when I achieve the things I've purposely left unspoken or secretly written. There will always be something else to discover, uncover, learn, and reach for, but may I always remember what it feels like to stand strong and dig my heels in the earth. That cool, rich earth beneath me.

To stretch my arms out to either side of me and know my own space: diameter and circumference. To breathe the air right here and for that to be miraculous in and of itself. The best gift I have to give the world is my full, live self. My authentic self. My beautiful, unashamed, imperfect self. I'm ready for an experience that will change my definition of "life" and clarify my vision for my mission in this world. I'm ready to exude the kind of beauty that is an experience: true beauty. That goes beyond looks and tones, clothes and gaits. I'm ready to embrace and become the kind of beautiful that is contagious. Like a baby's smile or an elder's gentle rebuke, a flower's reluctant fragrance and a phone call from a distant, but real friend...

I'm looking towards the horizon...but I'm embracing what's here. The things I whisper in God's ear, and HE whispers back saying, "It's already done. I am where here and horizon become one."

Amen.

good things

2009-08-10T08:17:00.002-04:00

So yesterday I got the closure I needed to let go and move forward. Thank you PB for that. Thank you GOD for the peace that has rested on me since that moment. I'm grateful. I'm full. I'm scared, but I'm faithful and determined to do this God's way. I'm ready to embrace all the beautiful things, whether they hurt or feel good. I'm ready to explore and discover what lies beyond the world I've come to know... I'm ready for the next level ... the process ...

I love you ... "take care of yourself" you said. "I will, and you do the same." Inhale. Exhale. As he left, I opened myself to the unknown hoping to find my wings along the way...

God is good.

beautiful pain

2009-08-08T20:13:00.003-04:00

"beautiful pain"

did u think beauty could hurt so bad

to say the things

that always stayed choked in the basement of your heart

locked behind that door of fear

did you think those sweet and necessary somethings

would burst forth

orgasmically

once the one you loved was nowhere near

always wishing, saying if you could see me now

if you could hear me now

if you could just believe again

always wishing, saying if i could see you now

if i could hold you now

i'd make it clear

beautiful purposeful pain that pulls out truth

pain that causes reflection

pain that trumps pride

pain when you're losing and gaining at the same time

beautiful purposeful pain that bellows

when you least expect

another tear to fall helplessly, unabashedly

down the contours of your face

beautiful pain take me to a beautiful place

did u know beauty is most evident

when eyes look away

when there's no one there to pat your back

or blow bubbles for your parade

did you know that beauty is the purpose of pain

did you know it's an honor

to hurt ceaselessly

thinking, hoping wishing praying

can't even punctuate the words you're saying

days blur together and nights are endless

memories rewind and push forth with another playlist

i misssss youuuuu

these are the hundred thousand reasons why...

i lovvvveeee youuuuu

these are the colors you added to my life

when i lied

and said i'd learn to move on

i lied

because i don't want to

not because i can't

i lied

because now this beautiful pain

is giving me another chance

to rethink my original answer...

(to be continued...)

when you love someone

2009-08-04T11:07:00.002-04:00

When you really love someone, your heart doesn't just move on; but you let them go knowing that if they should return--they are truly one of God's most precious gifts to you. Treat him gently. Love him fully. Praise them freely and praise God DEEPLY. Experience love richly, faithfully grasping at the promise of forever and the blessing of togetherness. When you love someone, you want what's best for them even when it hurts you. You want them to find authentic peace & only return if they truly feel moved to...

When you love someone and they leave, it hurts in the most tangible kind of way. Just to hear sayings they used to say or see things they bought you or remember lessons you learned with them or visit places you used to go to. Starbucks in Chinatown when the snow was falling... Arboretum, that's where I wanted us to elope...first apartment fighting all those roaches and I never felt safe until you said, "All clear!"...carobonara from red plastic plates...movies on your laptop because the tv wasn't purchased yet...running in the rain from the subway station...your repetition, my pursed lips...all of our apprehensions and stubborness

I know what it's like to love someone and know that this is the only man you've ever, ever truly loved...

missing you

2009-08-04T10:42:00.003-04:00

Tears collect into little puddles
on my lap
in my ears
as I try to sleep...

Pain runs through my mind
takes a slide
lodges itself in my chest
echoing my heart's beat
"he's gone/he's gone"
"boom-boom/boom-boom"

I hear the voices
but none really soothe
the way your arms
used to...

even when we disagreed
I truly truly loved you
and I know you loved me
and I still do
and believe you do too.

Now I see all the things you meant
about protecting my thoughts...
guarding us and me and you from other's opinions
the same ones that are speechless now...

Only prayer & writing quell
the mounting fears
that I may never again
get the privilege of
watching you sleep...
hearing you laugh or belch...
riding a roller coaster with you (other than the emotional ones we went through)
touching your hair
rubbing your back
holding your hand and laying my legs across your lap
i gotta keep my mind on track

my tears seek no permission as to when they decide to fall

they are the truth; they are real

and you were GOOD, GREAT, WONDERFUL!

I believe we can still...in time...

I am missinglovinghopingwishingpraying for you
I am trying to let go
but I believe it's not the end
but that hope is in God, 'cause my eyes don't see when or how we'd mend
all that was broken
but the last words I spoke
were from my heart :
the part of me you rarely saw

that I hope you one day see again
know my door
my heart
my arms
are
open to
only you and God...

day 2: brokenhearted girl

2009-08-03T08:31:00.002-04:00

I don't want to move on without you
the log lodged in my chest
makes it hard to breathe
so if anyone listens closely, they can hear me heave.
Or weeze...
because I don't know how to stay since you've decided to leave

my only hope is in God
that it was Him who said, "Not now."
i realize how i disobeyed
how i told you and myself, i would wait to hear my mission
before i said, "okay."
how i promised to be pure, but attraction was too strong.
how I prayed that God wouldn't let either one of us
stray from Him too long.
Maybe this is the answer to the prayers I prayed,
even though it hurts like hell,
even though I don't sleep well,
even though I cry a lot
even though I don't know the next step

i think it's prayer
i think it's solitude
i think it's time
and even though i think i will always hope to see you
at my door
or on my caller id
although i believe you're the one God has called to be with me
i will release and accept what is
i will press into God for comfort, love, and guidance

there's a lot of healing
a lot of revelation
that needs to happen, and i've known that for some time.
i can only pray that what I believe God said would be,
will be

this broken-hearted girl
is missing you,
but this broken-hearted girl
needs to find me...
and she needs to accept what IS
and she needs to be healed
and she needs to learn
and she needs to grow
and she needs to love and give and experience

i love you i love you this mantra keeps echoing in my head
i want you but i need God
and I pray I hope I want so badly for us to cross paths against the backdrop
of God saying YES! NOW! LOVE! BE!

How I'd do things so differently!!
I guess the name of the game is acceptance and revelation
but it's only day two, so I still feel a great deal of expectation...
I have never loved this way,
I have never met a man, so beautiful
so strong
so everything I've wanted
And I've never ever had to let him go before

But if you come back...I mean, if God brings you back
I believe we'd love so much more.

Right now it's about accepting
And staying focused on the process
Seeking God, and not giving up because of the hurt

...but I miss you already, I do.

a lil piece of me

2009-07-29T14:37:00.002-04:00

Somehow against the backdrop of adversity, I seem to find the pieces of me that must be drawn in invisible ink. Only illuminated by tears, perceived abandonment, and grave disappointment (mostly in myself), these pieces dance about crying for the attention my blinded eyes and aloof heart never paid. But here they are. Some tattered and begging for repair while others stand bold, daring me to touch them. Believe that they are really here. I've been trying to get to unify my subjective and objective self for some time now--the I and me that are forever observing one another without the least bit of thought of cooperating.

All I know is that I don't like the way things are. Perhaps, I could begin by honoring the little small desires that are so frequently excused from the boardroom of my mind--along with my heart. Maybe I could begin supplying those little pockets of excitement for myself, even if I am afraid. I already know that I can't stay where I am. Not for much longer.

I hear the small, polite, and oftenly dismissed petitions:

I'd like to learn yoga.
I want to travel overseas, but not at a resort. I want to see the REAL people there.
I want to fall deeply in love with God, and then truly discover God in myself.
I miss dancing.
I'd like to perform...
I miss writing. I'd like to get over this writer's block...

Maybe this is the first step to discovering the woman that craves to taste rain and dance in the face of fear. Maybe this is the first step to solving the answer my cerebral self couldn't manage with all its other worries, concerns, and preoccupations. Maybe this is the first step to growing.

Truth, tragedy, & triumph

2009-07-06T13:08:00.002-04:00

Tired of tracing dreams that were never mine
leaning back to recline
in the bosom of something real--
someone real--
I think of you...

Inevitably you come to me
in snapshots of
daggers & desire...
I never got the courage to say "I'm falling in love with you..."

Even though you gave me little to go off of
& spoke liberally of your conquests
in the utmost confidence
(something says you could see the truth in my eyes)

I lied.
And I lied
and lied.
Because I was inconvenient for you
& comfortable pretending that your
comfortability pretending didn't piss me the hell off.

Let me be the first to say, "YOU pissed me the hell off!"

And when I ask myself why
I know it's because I smell you when I close my eyes...

conceive of weaving webs to trap your interest...
then, relinquish the thought because I want the kind of love offered up
voluntarily with boldness and clarity
and that's the reason we went right through each other

without considering if we were passing up
maybe the best thing that had ever happened.

And that, more than anything else in our recent past,

is what makes my chest heave with tears that never fall ...

Right ON!

2009-06-13T12:13:00.000-04:00

"We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action." --Frank Tibolt

I had it backwards....

all....

this....

time.........

to ponder...

2009-06-09T19:36:00.002-04:00

I am reading "Maktub" by Paulo Coelho. This is a striking story in a day and age marked by speed, competition, convenience, & obsession with time....

"An explorer, a white man, anxious to reach his destination in the heart of Africa, promised an extra payment to his bearers if they would make greater speed. For several days, the bearers moved along at a faster pace. One afternoon, though, they all put down their burden and sat on the ground. No matter how much money they were offered, they refused to move on. When the explorer finally asked why they were behaving as they were, he was given the following answer:

'We have been moving along at such a fast pace that we no longer know what we are doing. Now we have to wait until our soul catches up with us.' "

Meditation: May I never move so quickly for any tangible, worldly gain that I forget my soul...

Mark 8:36 "For what shall it profit a wo[man] if s[he] should gain the whole world, and lose his/her own soul?"

everwanting to want u to want

2009-05-22T10:01:00.003-04:00

"...I'm giving all I got every drop/ don't you want tooooo/everwanting to want you to want..."

eve-r-want-ing

as a "Free Woman" there are things

I believed naively that would just

disappear upon changing my name

but transformation isn't a destination; it's a journey

and if Free Woman is where I'm headed, then it can't be where I am

the essence hasn't changed

and as much as I hate to admit it,

in many ways I have phantom chains:

an emotional slave

I crave affirmation,

approval from some,

then in angry, exhausted defiance

throw my hands up

Wishing he would call me and ask me to come over

Wishing he missed me enough to throw caution to the wind

and share that nectar (he's nicely stored away)

with me once again

I miss him.

Exasperated. I lament my unliberated state

why I pray and seem to get up

with the same weight

is beyond my comprehension.

Is it that my perception of God hinders me from genuine communion

because I see Him as a remote male energy that can

only be accessed through

the perfect concoction of circumstances?

(like faith, humility, trust....all of which are hard to muster up together...for me at least)

If indeed HE/SHE lives in ME

and I can't feel or connect with that divinity

I'm lost on how to be, for this Essence is inextricable

so if it's inaccessible

then there has to be a part of me that's limited through my inability to penetrate the invisible

I've gotten so shallow.

Can I be loved and lovable when

I'm not the easiest to handle??

Is it my own guilt that blocks my ability to hear This Voice within?

Is it my own self-condemnation,

desire to punish myself through pushing away the one I love

or is it that I don't know how to love again?

Am I permanently damaged?

Or just depressed...

From all the things that have gone mis-expressed

and all the wrongly placed hopes and dreams

deferred, they begin to tatter and fray...

the darkness looms bigger than anything!

the balance of loving and letting go

the realization that that's the only way

the understanding of what it means to love myself

and then wanting to be accepted totally when I haven't achieved it alone yet

the thoughts that clamor for my primary attention

the rabid emotions I've kept in the stables that are one kick from collapsing

wild horses in my heart

loose words on my tongue

and somewhere I've lost the Sacred

and my connection with The One where this whole journey begun...

I'm lost.

And I'm deep.

I'm sinking beyond, what seems to be, anyone's reach

and yet a small Voice says, "You've got everything you need"

but HOW can that be, if I no longer believe?

when i was there

2009-05-18T21:32:00.005-04:00

when i was there

you said nothing

too afraid of what it would mean

should you confess

what's always existed

you simply touched me

with the most intimate delicacy

eyes, wanting

what lips would never speak

trapped between lines of writing

hiding the truth

and I fell desperately

helplessly

naively into a dependency

that would prove damn near lethal

learning--the hard way--that a Free Woman

never waits for

salvation in a man

nor seeks solace in his feeble arms...

but seeks it in the formless Source

that I once believed

brought us, inevitably, together...

my oasis

2009-05-18T11:00:00.002-04:00

"Speaking in the tongues of men is inferior to that of angels
and all that is within me
desires something divine." - BluMoon

My attention has been drawn to the phenomenon of me expecting men in my life (even friends, cousins, etc.) to fill a "void" that my father's absence left. Well, that has been very unfair to those who are simply human, and even more unfair/disrespectful to God who can (will and HAS) supply all my needs. Idolatrous in nature, I've expected them to drop everything to protect and comfort me, when as a FREE WOMAN I ought to know that I am equipped with all I need through my relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is nothing broken, nothing that needs to be fixed.

I am complete in that my relationship with Christ completes me and fills the areas that are wounded. After believing in that, there are tangible things I must do so my life models this truth.

1. Take ALL things to God first.
2. Don't expect others to provide spiritual fruit that I ought to have for myself.
3. Be still and KNOW that I--and they--are not God.
4. Learn to trust God completely with every aspect of my life, but realize that this doesn't absolve me of any responsibilities, duties, etc. that I have to work through fears and press through obstacles.
5. Miracles are powerful and real. Healing is a choice.

The supernatural is very much a part of my real life...and my oasis will not rest in my relationships with others (family, friends, males, etc.), but in the ONLY unchangeable Source I know: God, Christ.

After thirsting for soo long for something real, refreshing, rejuvenating...I've finally reached my Oasis:

John 4:13-15 "Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'

"The woman said to him, 'Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.' "

I am like this woman, asking for the Water that stops woman from thirsting...that quenches the parched crevices of wounded souls and nurtures fertile grounds that have been disregarded as barren...I, too, long to leave the insufficient wells of relationships to join the fount of eternity & have living waters coming out of me to refresh others...I too, am thirsty.

right now

2009-05-14T13:19:00.003-04:00

...I didn't want to talk anymore, so I closed the window out. That's the good thing about electronic communication: you always seem to get the balls to do and say things you wouldn't have the courage to face-to-face. She was talking about him, and the way she relayed how he spoke of me made my heart reach a pace that it hadn't since the last time he and I spoke. Nervousness crowded out my ability to do even the most mindless task (which is my job), and I realized that this was it. If he didn't want me, I would hurt. I would hurt badly and deeply and maybe even for a long time... but I would grow and recover.

This is when I remembered that I believed in soul mates again. The ability to look in one's eyes and see those same eyes in years to come. Or to be separate from that person and feel the longings and issues of their heart without them communicating it or being in your physical presence...I believed because I had proof. I had been there. But now I was scared. A lump in my throat signified the oncoming anxiety. Let it happen. Let it happen. So I did. I pictured spending every day for the rest of my life as I had spent the past seven. I imagined checking my phone for the call the never came, and being disappointed when a week later I realized that he had moved on. I imagined crying, losing my appetite, reaching out desperately to the man who had decided against being with me... and then I stop. My heart is still pounding, but I no longer desire to hold on to old patterns of coping with rejection. I imagine something different now. I imagine accepting what is. Acceptance that a man I love could choose at any time to not stay, and that's fine.

I accept the pain. The fleeting guilt. The futile going over the things I did wrong. and the peace...

The peace that will carry me somewhere beautiful within, to a place of understanding and faith where I will know that I know that I know that my soul mate will find me...we will find each other...

and if it's him, maybe he will stay.

so THIS is what forgiveness feels like!

2009-05-07T12:13:00.002-04:00

I got it, to love FULLY you MUST forgive. Not just in word, but in spirit. I'm talking the kind of forgiveness that makes you shrug at the mention of an experience that once sent you into a psycho-emotional whirlwind...

And to really bring about the love you desire for yourself, you've got to give it...

give it to God
give it to you
give it to others
give it to situations
give it to life
and babies
and friends
and enemies
and lovers
and the haterz
and challenges

and you MUST MUST MUST forgive...

forgive = give love in exchange for whatever has happened

There is no power without forgiveness and love.

"Just for Today" Lyrics

2009-05-06T13:22:00.004-04:00

Just for Today by India.Arie

Verse 1
Just for today, I will not worry what tomorrow will bring (unh uh)
I'm gonna try somethin' new, gon' walk through this day like I got nothin' to prove (yeah)
Altho I have the best intentions, I can't predict anyone's reactions
So I'll just do my best
I'll put one foot in front of the other, keep on moving forward, and let God do the rest

Chorus
I don't know what's gonna happen, that's alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery (2x)

Verse 2
Just for today, I'm telling the truth like it's going out of style (yeah)
I'ma swallow my pride, be who I am and I don't care who don't like it (yeah)
I feel the fear, but I do it anyway, I won't let it stand in the way
I know what I must do
There's no guarantee that it'll be easy, but i know that it'll beat the feeling
that it's time for me to show and prove

It's okay not to know, exploration is how we grow
It's okay not to have the answer, 'cause sometimes it's the question that matters yeah

Chorus

**THANKS FOR THE PEP TALK CARMEN!**

Can I be completely honest? (pt. 2)

2009-04-29T16:26:00.001-04:00

Warning: This posting contains sensitive, transparent content. Readers' discretion is advised.

The issue is the sense of threat and fear I face whenever a man decides to leave, insinuates that he's thinking about leaving, or says something that I perceive to be a sign that he will/may/might leave. Ain't that a mess?! Most people advise me to take time to be with myself, not understanding that I don't fear being by myself. That's actually a comfort zone. I feel wonderfully fulfilled and focused when I'm alone. There is nothing to trigger those core issues that still need to HEAL.

Now, I do apologize when I do wrong in a relationship. I do own my stuff and try to change, but my current boyfriend has little faith in me, I feel. I've already started prepping myself for his departure. Something in his tone, the way he looks at me, speaks to me, something has changed and in my mind (and his), it's all my fault. Yes, he admits he brings his fair share of issues to the table, but (there's always a "but") they aren't the same "type" of issues. My "type" of issue is one that he is not sure he can deal with for a lifetime. He was also very quick to let me know (graciously of course, after I told him that whomever he chose to marry, they would have some issue with them that would call for him to grow and lead his family in a Christlike manner) that we are NOT married and this courtship is to DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT the two people (that's us) are compatible, healthy, suitable, etc. for each other. HOT DAMN! The brotha put me in my place!

But you know what I miss? I miss compassion. Patience. I miss someone being there to say, "I notice this is a pattern and I want you to know that I love you anyway." I miss someone's shoulder to cry on and an ear to share my discoveries about myself. I miss being in a relationship and feeling FULLY supported. I miss being able to laugh and joke with a person who knows so much about me and YET still loves me as Christ loves him. I miss understanding. I miss being told what he CAN do rather than what he CAN'T do and CAN'T promise. I miss being held until I go to sleep. And YET, I find myself apologizing relentlessly for the smallest things, so afraid that he's going to leave if I don't do this right or say this right or handle my anger right. I find myself being, dare I say, desperate to keep him from leaving me and my mind tells me he's using that to his advantage (although he says he's not). I miss just being loved UNCONDITIONALLY and supported UNCONDITIONALLY. I miss the times when he seemed so sure that I was the one he wanted. I miss him. Most of all, I miss the way I was before I truly fell in love with him and made myself vulnerable, revealing my neediness at times. I miss the defense and guard that used to cushion his subtle rejection.

I miss being okay regardless of what he decides. Yeah, mentally I know that I'm going to be fine. But tell it to my trembling heart. She's so afraid. Does this mean it's true? Does this mean we are unlovable? Does this mean that we give too little and ask for too much? Does this mean that he's going to find someone "better"? Her questions flutter about like frantic butterflies trapped in a heated jar. My heart wonders if it's possible, that a man ... will love me ... ever? My heart aches enough to exhaust me thoroughly as I am exhausted now. I long to be able to withstand the threat of rejection with grace, humility, and courage. I long to succeed in the area of relationships with men as I have in so many others.

I long to heal ... but I guess it's not just "only God can judge me" but also, "only God can LOVE me"... I wish I could tell him things and know that I know that I know he would be there by my side to support me and tell me, "We're going to get through this together" but I cannot blame him for his honesty. I appreciate it actually. It's just hard, right now.

But I know, this too shall pass.

Can I be completely honest?

2009-04-29T15:47:00.003-04:00

Warning: This includes very sensitive, transparent content. Readers' discretion is advised.

I can't let them fall from my eyes, so I have to make this blog cry. May sound corny, but it's true. I've spent too many days in months past crying in my cubicle, and I don't think it's a practice I should--or want to--employ again given that this is a work environment. Usually I'm sooo aware of my audience that I may actually censor myself, but seeing how I am not given to handwriting these emotions right now, this will have to serve as a journal entry.

Sometimes I wonder how I appear to other people. Do they see me as confident? Smart? Self-assured? Beautiful? Driven? Focused? OR do they see the wounds? Pain? Fears? Insecurities? And if they DON'T see the latter cluster, would seeing it change their perspective of me? Would I no longer be deserving of a certain "type" of man? Christian men love to turn their noses up when I tell them how many partners I've had. Or would I no longer be attractive to them, lovable, acceptable. Would they recant every complimentary remark they'd ever made about me and substitute it with judgment? You know how we "conscious" "holy" people are, so full of contradictions, conclusions, condemnation, and condescension. We see so clearly the flaws in every one else but ourselves. The trait thoroughly repulses me.

The colorful montage of issues that color who I have grown to be currently are often ridden with guilt and shame. Guilt and shame are the twins that have been my best friends ever since my cousin began molesting me at age 7. I've played with them since I was young, and like any young child, believed I could easily forgive and forget their many transgressions against my self-esteem and self-image. Reality check: yesterday my counselor said that I still need to "heal." It hurt, although she assured me gently: "There is nothing broken; nothing to be fixed: only wounds to be acknowledged and accepted." It didn't hit me until later that the reason I still need to heal is because I've been trying to heal without accepting and acknowledging the wounds. Because they're ugly, and run so many others away, I've run away from them myself deeming them unworthy of love and attention. After all, that's what everyone else seemed to think: especially men.

My boyfriend and I have been on the rocks for what seems like ages, and in my mind I've been in a storm for years. Believe me, I want desperately to see the sunshine, but then I believe there is a lesson here so I'm wiping endless amounts of rain from my eyes and digging through the mud to find it. Where's the lesson? Where's the lesson? Oh! There it is, and it blows away.
So now I'm running, chasing down this lesson because it's the key to my safe passage into sunnier days and worse storms. Like many black women, I got daddy issues. I ain't ashamed to say it. My daddy was there, but he wasn't. He was often cold, despondent, unemotional, unprotective, and abusive to both me and my mother. After 14 years of that, I guess it impacted me a little deeper than I originally thought. For the last ten years, I have been in and out of relationships...funny, I got my first boyfriend around the time my father moved out the house due to the stipulations of the divorce my mother filed. With all my womanist ways and beliefs, I thought that it was enough to have a gang of women's love: but nothing can replace a daughter's need to be loved and protected by her father. NOTHING.

For the last ten years, I have watched a woman unfold--beautiful in her own right--but wounded as hell. Wounded from internalizing the actions and inaction of ONE man. And he looms so largely over my ability to love that I feel like I'm emotionally disabled. All the kings' and queens' horses and men can't put me back together again. LOL! Oh, I've tried. I've reconciled with my father and managed to forgive opening the gateway to a relationship where love flows freely and openly. I've been in therapy off and on for the past 5 years. I've prayed and surrendered it to God in hopes of getting the same results as the woman with the issue of blood...that I'd touch the hem of Jesus' garment with my prayer and be healed. Maybe I would be... if I only believed, not in God's power (I believe in that), but in His desire to free me. Something tells me though, God has other plans for my pain.

My mind labels the traits I display in relationships, judging what it (and others) refuse to accept. Those traits have earned me the labels of being "too much" and "damaged goods." *sigh* This is definitely not intended to blame, I'm going to put it ALL out there. There ARE several patterns I've exhibited in romantic relationships including hitting, crying (literally falling in the floor and breaking down), overreacting to a man's statement of disapproval of something I've done, testing men to see how far they will come for me, accusing them of being with or desiring other women (when there's no evidence but my own mind that points to it...although 90% of the time, I was right about that one or it was a self-fulfilling prophecy), begging, pleading, threatening to leave or be with another man, and the list goes on (not too much longer though).

SO there it is! There's my dirty laundry. Now, the problem is not me owning it. I own it. All the drawls with the streaks are mine!! The problem is NOT trying to see where all this is coming from. I understand that fully as well. The problem is with me loving myself in spite of it. The problem is allowing the men who come into my life to assess me, state my flaws, and take this judgmental hands-off approach with me until they finally decide I'm not "the one" and leave. The problem is the meaning I attach to their leaving. The problem is the power I give away relationship after relationship allowing another to hold my self-worth in his hands.

(to be continued....)

good enough

2009-04-29T11:27:00.002-04:00

"The question should have been am I good enough, but if I have the courage to follow my heart." ~BluMoon

I decided to begin working on a book. It's been years in the making, collecting ideas and experiences with pieces of work sprinkled here and there. I finally am ready to do it. Ready to commit to something larger than myself...ready to take that leap.

when it hurts

2009-04-28T13:45:00.003-04:00

i accept my emotions
& the consequences of
their expression: your withdrawal.

leaving me, abandoning repeatedly
you retreat
to care for self
& manage your life separate from mine

still i am misunderstood when i question
your desire
to yoke with me for a lifetime
& even punished by your emotional removal

i seek to love in a way
that will be appreciated even when mistakes are made
i seek to be loved in a way
where forgiveness happens moment by moment
& long conversations are not in vain

i fight to do the impossible
to get you to show me you won't be like him
that you won't withhold your love like he did
turn a cold shoulder like he did
& the more i try to manipulate you
through verbal pleas & subtle lies
the further away you get

i know i need to grow
i should change regardless of whether you want me or not
it's hard waiting for someone to show you love
while your own expressions go unnoticed
& unfelt

it's hard holding onto a man
that evaporates with the slightest sign of conflict
if everything doesn't go
exactly the way you think it should go
you throw away all the good times
the laughter
the growth
the vibing
& everything i've given you

you throw it away in a dumpster
of self-preservation

or am i the only one who's realized
that you can't preserve self AND love another?

you can't protect your heart AND be IN love...

i see you're still trying

again, i rise...

2009-04-13T10:03:00.003-04:00

again, i rise...

1. salvation

in the waters of what was
shattered images of reason
i find that nothing i thought actually is

and you could NEVER love me
the way i desire
you could NEVER forgive me
to the extent i beg
you will NEVER give me
what i crave

standing on the shoreline
watching my perceptions fizzles
my expectations set, disappearing behind the truth
the truth that all i desire to receive
comes from neither the left nor the right

but from above.

that light never shines through another
but from the Source within
that "base" is in me
the fate i sought in your arms
is a mirage

Source is base
Love my air
the Unmanifested my guide
i need no one, although i want you
and so i seek revival
in That which cannot be seen
in Him who is often not consulted

so i run back
to the Essence of my origin
to find Peace
to find Joy
to find LOVE
to find Truth
to find Forgiveness
to find THE

away from me
away from you
toward something Real

okay...

2009-04-01T17:29:00.005-04:00

I'm realizing that when you ask several people's opinion about a situation (especially older, wiser people) and they all tell me the same thing, that means it's probably the truth whether I want to acknowledge it or not.

So rather than waiting until I'm 46 to "get it"...I'ma take a hint NOW

...when someone shows me who they are, I will choose to believe them. So that means, when that person does what I observed them doing to somebody else to me, ain't even no need in being offended or surprised. For what?! I already KNOW how this person rolls.

I can't change anybody; only God can. So there is very little reason to argue and go back and forth with people when they have CLEARLY shown they are only interested in blaming others, defending themselves, etc. Why waste the energy and exacerbate the situation?

And whatever I do, even though this lesson is SUPER HARD, I must stop allowing people and their issues to upset me for extended periods of time! It's ridiculous, 98% of things really ARE NOT THAT SERIOUS OR WORTHY OF ATTENTION/ENERGY/EMOTION/THOUGHT.

Battle of the egos...I got caught up tryna get somebody to see something my way or to at least TRY to understand. Tryna get an apology that I felt entitled to... foolishness. Push come to shove, I could always just take some much needed space because this arguing and going back and forth is what has bammas with HI blood pressure and such...

**Why does a part of me feel like I will be learning this lesson for the rest of my life? LOL! Damn my emotions!**

friends

2009-04-01T14:37:00.003-04:00

I'm realizing that there are some things, habits, characteristics, that I just don't want to deal with in certain friendships. Add up the pluses and minuses: the fate goes to the longest list.

Why is it so hard for bammas to apologize? Why can't people just OWN their stuff? *Sigh* BUT I've given this issue more airplay than it deserves, so I'm done.

epiphany #1

2009-03-27T16:44:00.003-04:00

There are so many parts of me that I took for granted: especially my reproductive system. Maybe it's because I was so busy chasing the idea of "freedom" (rather than just BEING FREE), or because I know that I'm not ready to be a mother right now...but when the doctor started snipping at my cervix, it hit me: I LOVE MY BODY. I WANT CHILDREN.

My body is more than just something to dress every morning...
more than eye candy...
more than any man could sex up or love down...
more than just a way to get something (that I can get using my brain)...
more than a tool...or playground
more than something to be coveted or compared to another...
more than just a house of ingratitude...
more than material...to be disregarded or exalted for all the wrong reasons

My body is God's temple
a place where the Sacred resides
a delicate case for the strikingly beautiful SOUL of me
a miracle-giver
a healer
a nurturer and life force
a blessing
my body is evidence that God is real
and I will choose what is best for us
I will choose to behave in a way that represents the best interest of my family
to be...

I will choose doctors that treat my body with sensitivity,
reverence,
and care

I will choose to protect myself

I will choose to put life-giving elements into my body
mind, heart
I will be a steward over the gift I have been given

I will LOVE
I will be most powerful by LOVING myself,

my SOUL.
ESSENCE.
LIFE.
FLESH.

and loving others
and setting an example for seeds to come...
of what it means
to HONOR
and
CHERISH
your S.E.L.F.

26 things i thank God for

2009-03-19T17:14:00.002-04:00

So today's devotional was to name something for each letter of the alphabet that you're thankful for. Here goes...

A place to call "home"
Beautiful 60 degree days
Carmen aka "Life is Real" for being my SOUL SISTA 4 real & adding so much insight, joy, laughter, freedom, light, love to my life!
Dad and all that I've learned from him
Enlightenment & Empowerment from the Eternal (realizing that joy is from WITHIN, from the Spirit of God, that everything I need, want, desire, I already have)
Fear because it reminds me to be more present & increase my faith!
Good food
Healing, health, & hope
Intuition (wooh! what would a woman do without it??)
Just time & ability to reflect
Kids ... they are some of the most important gems we can leave
Life in its truest sense ... thriving & growing & giving to others
My mother...I thank God for her love, support, friendship, guidance, every day
Nature ... my humble pill, tranquility, evidence that God is an artist and the ultimate Creator
Oxygen Network (lol)
Prayer & peace of mind, & my Papa Bear!
Quiet ... (being SILENT helps me LISTEN to my heart, observe my mind, & hear God's voice)
Relaxation, restoration, realizations, reconciliation with my father
Soul music, strength to overcome obstacles and go through difficult times
Tara & my goddaughter
Unlimited grace
Visa card being paid off
Warm weather
X-ceptions to rules (*wink*)
Youth
Zumba!!!!

IF you're feeling down...do your own list and you'll see you have WAY more to smile about than you think!

Something New: Zumba!

2009-03-18T11:56:00.003-04:00

So I decided to do something different, and different style of dance as opposed to the boring ballet I felt captive to. By the way, I SO quit that! It wasn't me, my time is precious, I want to invest it into things/endeavors/people that are enriching my life in some way or challenging me grow, right??

Answer: Zumba. Now originally I thought it was Latin dance infused with Caribbean influence. Come to find out, this is another type of aerobic fitness that mixes traditional Latin dances such as cumbia, rumba, salsa, merengue, mambo, samba, etc. with hip hop, aerobics, and LOTS of jumping! I had a ball! So here I am in a gymnasium with about 40 other women. Jumping! Shimmying! Winding! Sweating! Celebrating life and movement and energy and music and my body ... loving it!

I'm so inspired! Realizing, I am NOT cut out for this cubicle every day and that something like teaching a fitness class, celebrating life, helping others reach their fitness goals and challenge themselves...THIS, I can do!

I love it! It's the perfect twice a week relief from looking at a computer screen all day! Gives me TONS of energy and a GOOD sweat! WHEW! This one gets 4/5 stars!

I think I'm restoring myself, little by little. I'm letting go of some things that I've been holding onto, much to my detriment. People. Grudges. Beliefs. Ideas. Anger. Past issues. Dropping those bags and receiving the gift and fruit of forgiveness and making wiser decisions.

I'm in love. DEEPLY. I'm realizing something in this man that my hurt self was too afraid to see: he is REAL. Like Jill Scott says, "He loves me, especial-ly different..."

And I give love to those around me...I give it because I live it. I give it because I've been blessed to drink from an oasis rather than being disappointed by mirages. Things looked like they were gonna be one thing, then when I look closer, they disappear. Substance-less. For now, I'm peace. For now, I'm loved. For now, I'm loving. I think me and God got this one. And when I Zumba, I'm celebrating life in the truest sense of the word. I am comfortable with me.

I am full.
I am filled.
I am blessed.
I am free.
I am now.
I am choosing.

I am so, so, so grateful.

taking a moment to be

2009-03-11T10:30:00.003-04:00

i'm taking a moment to see exactly what is going on inside of--yet is NOT--me.

there is a mixture of fear and anxiety that he is starting to change his mind. and I will once again be the fool. the mantra "i can't go for that!" keeps repeating in my mind; it fuels the anxiety that futilely builds. I (the REAL me) know that there is nothing you can do to change the future, for it only exists in our minds AND there is nothing you can do to change another.

the mind goes on "i don't want to be like them, letting men drain the life out of me. going on emotional roller coasters for an illusion of a dream when i can just be happy on my own."

I (the REAL me) answers, "you are NOT them. this is the truth and this is now. you cannot hold that which doesn't exist (i.e. the future). so why worry? why fret? you are in control of YOU, what an empowering realization! so you can CHOOSE not to allow another to take that from you while acknowledging whatever hurt, betrayal, etc. you may feel in any given relationship. you can ACKNOWLEDGE the effect of one's action without GIVING it power over you and your life. breathe, your dream is yours regardless of who is in your life/heart. if you can be happy on your own, then there should be no fear of abandonment."

my mind screams, "but when one leaves, what does that mean? what does it say about me? what does it mean about my worth/importance/lovability/beauty? does it mean that i'm not enough? or ..."

and then I say, "Stop! It means what it is. Don't make life more difficult than it has to be...don't become one with your past (which no longer exists). It means that one has chosen to leave. Reasons, reasons, reasons...what one thinks is rarely what the situation really is. We are so confident in our thoughts and proud of our thinking when it often causes so much distress. We think our way through life ... your mind is a tool to be used, not something to use you. Learn to be and get in touch with the BEING within. This is truth. This is whole. This is sacred. All else, is an illusion. And know...that many times, that which brings pleasure will often bring pain. BUT joy is from within."

I am well now. I am still.

i think therefore i am

2009-03-05T09:23:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here listening to the chatter of accomplished middle-age women talking about all the things they used to do "when dey were young." Something within says, "I don't want to be like that," while another voice replies tartly, "you already are like that." Damn.

The best time is now. I choose to live as if my best moments are right now because that's all I have to hold. Yes, I may be twenty-four, fighting off the urge to compulsively compare myself to other women who are more "beautiful, accomplished," etc., but I will not be a 30 year old woman doing that. I am who I am for a reason, a beautiful irreplacable reason. Whether I'm in 5-inch heels or round-toe flats, fresh to death or in a white tank and grey sweats, I AM and I AM AWARE that I am more than my thoughts. I am the still force that watches thoughts cross my mind, rather than a product of what I think.

I AM PROACTIVE.

I AM FREE THROUGH THE REALITY OF NOW.

I AM NOT LIKE ANOTHER.

I AM COMFORTABLE WITH ME.

And times when these truths seem far away, I will pull myself into the present, detach myself from my mind and perceived self, and strive to get in touch with the Greatness within myself. There will be times when this is not the case or my present awareness, but that only serves to let me know that I've stumbled from the middle...

and now, it really is ALL GOOD.

Because it is not "I think therefore I am," it is simply "I AM." That's good enough for me.

change within

2009-03-03T10:05:00.002-05:00

A couple of things I want to do for me this week:

work on putting written works together
stretch
visit my goddaughter
take a milk bath
work out at least 2x
laugh really hard at something that is extremely funny

taking back the power

2009-02-27T16:20:00.002-05:00

When i react, i forfeit power to another. i allow that person, situation, energy to become so important and poignant as to step outside myself, onto another's perspectives, baggage, views, and internalize it enough to defend myself.

what need do i have defending myself against opinions masked as truths? what do i have to prove to anyone? i am on a journey, making decisions that i feel are best for me. i owe no one anything; no one owes me a thing. i stand graciously on the edge of forever, transporting myself to the horizon of my dreams.

i embrace all life has to offer: the definites, indefinite, mercurial, and mysterious. when it hurts, it hurts. when it's over, it's over. i choose. i am strong because i realize that i can only control me and that's all i want to control. i am growing. alive.

i am removing the power from everything and everyone around me and humbly placing it back within the hands of the Great Spirit that lives within. amen.

good taste

2009-02-26T18:00:00.002-05:00

good taste

i thought i had good taste
till i realized
that i thought you were good

but you
are
not

good for me
even if you are good to me
to my touch
to my feelings
until you go back to her

i thought i had good taste
until you started
complimenting
my clothes
kissing my cheeks
arousing my desires
and telling me of your heart for another

i thought i had good taste
until i realized
that i must eat to live
not live to eat
that i must learn

to desire that which IS good
nourishing
and life giving to me
not just what looks
tastes
smells
and feels (so damn)
good

that i must lead my heart
sometimes
not just follow it

vulnerability

2009-02-21T18:45:00.002-05:00

I told myself I'd stay put. Spend a day with myself ... damn! It's been so long, I've forgotten what silence and longing feel like. I busied myself doing things that "needed" to be done: cleaning the bathroom, organizing homeless photographs into albums, grocery shopping; but when it's all said and done, I miss him. It's the truth that I've fought hard against, the me I try to hide from the world. The me that says, "I want somebody who may or may not want me back."

It's my attachment and detachment crisis. Today was supposed to be about me acknowledging and accepting all of me as I stayed ever-present and aware of every emotion, thought, inclination, etc. Being the silent observer...judgment-less...watching this little girl to see how she acted when she thought she was about to be left...again.

I'm home now. All of me is here feeling peacefully vulnerable and naked. So sensitive that the wrong song dare play and set off a series of thoughts rooted in shame and insecurity. Those things we are trying to cast out and break. Those lies of not being enough. If he walks away, I'm to blame. This time there is no "him" to point the finger at; it's all me. Sometimes we do to others what others have done to us. I'm learning what living in the past can get you and where it can get you.

Just so happens that I refuse to seek out male companionship in my friends. All my female commadres are busy. Lucky me! I have just won a round trip ticket to the basement of my soul with no distractions. Just what the Creator ordered (and my therapist too). *Sigh* I'm aware of every breath, every heart beat, every inkling of silence as it stretches itself out like a feline, lazy and full and confident. Dare I disturb this sleeping creature that has grace me with her presence? Dare I phone a friend, flick on the television, or play a song? No...I do something braver: I endure. I will not run from Whisper's song....

myS.E.L.F.

2009-02-20T13:19:00.002-05:00

i am learning to be myself: my soul. essence. life. flesh.
to be with her
hurt and all
I am learning that

that wholeness doesn't always mean there are no holes

but that i acknowledge & accept
& commit to love all of me: substance & those empty spaces
where one didn't tread so lightly
or my mind couldn't understand
where my heart gets a little heavy
those first six years were testy
the foundation has some cracks
but i'm learning to love even that

my Soul.Essence.Life.Flesh
all got to live together
& who better to teach others how to love me best
than me?

who better to open up eyes
change the tide
cast off judgment
relinquish pride
who else to own what's mine?

to give me that high
them lit rolls did
to give me that cool
the martini could give
to give me that peace
like his arms once could
that release
that power ...

who better than my
Soul.Essence.Life.Flesh
the elements of me
that live & breathe as a testament
to my survival

&
strength ...

answer: step 1

2009-02-18T14:00:00.003-05:00

Thank you. The answer is to be good to myself. Treat myself the way I would want another to treat me. This means forgive myself, and love myself in spite of mistakes I've made. Love myself in spite of mistakes I will make. Allow others to love me ... move forward and don't look back. Take the lessons; leave the baggage.

the hard truth

2009-02-18T10:06:00.004-05:00

Dear God,

The truth is I'm tired, weary, drained. Exhausted from straining to do something that I've always hoped would be 2nd nature. The honest 100% truth is sometimes I feel I can't do this anymore: this whole love-as-God-loves thing. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Although I do believe I can enjoy & celebrate You in the heart of joy & freedom, perhaps it's the struggle to not just obtain these things, but to BE those things is the beginning of the process where I will not just celebrate and acknowledge You, but BECOME like You.

Call it spiritual puberty. Everything is out of whack and nothing seems to go right. My spiritual body is feeling and doing things it hasn't done before. Sometimes I'm in pain, growing pain. And although I hate to admit it, I at times wish to remain small. Small and cozy in my caccoon (sp?). Could it be that I've become bitter towards men? And because of that, withheld my trust to the point that I am humanly unlovable. Well, of course my friends and family love me...but could it be that I, after struggling to shake this fallacy of inadequacy, am truly unlovable for a lifetime? That I drain the LIFE out of every man who attempts to love me in my quest to obtain fullness and completion?? I shudder at the very admission, that I (the GURU of relationships and self-love) would myself be the biggest perpetuator of trying to use romantic relationships to plug a gaping wound in my soul. A wound that festers and leaks, infected and swollen. A wound that is, at this point, unhealed because of me, not the men who have tried to love me.

Nobody can love a victim, for a victim can NEVER be filled from the outside, only from within. Even I know that and have tried, in vain, to love someone who could not love himself. I thought I had incorporated that knowledge into my life. Thousands of dollars in counseling, self-help books, solitude, prayer, experience...I thought I had done more and gotten further than this! And now, as the very relationship that means to world to me is on the verge of destruction, I see my self-image crumble, shatter, dissipate, vanish ... something like a mirage. The confidence, courage, all the things I thought I worked so hard to get...were they EVER there? And this realization, this point, is a very, very, very low one. No one can reach me here and my heart is weary for I have tried everything I can think of to be healthier and better. Now what? I have nothing left within, not even hope at this point. I'm not trying to get Your sympathy...I'm asking for help.

Do hurts go away? I want to live in the present free from the hurts from the past. I've separated myself from all my friends ... they cannot help me. This process must be embarked upon alone with their prayers and well wishes alone. Plus, I don't want to drain others with the cyclical nature of this spiral. I wish them wholeness, completion, freedom, and love. The real kind of love. The kind that is humble and kind, gentle and patient, honest and brave. The kind that changes the world and leaves indelible prints on hearts and communities. The kind that leaves the object of one's affection BETTER than when it first came. The kind everyone wants to receive, but isn't so easy to give.

I feel guilty. No one knows what I have done to him. The way that I have, in my casual manner, dismissed numerous acts of affection all because I was scared. I pushed and pushed, and now he has finally said, "Okay. If I can't be close, then I'll be far." Perhaps, I should be grateful he is here at all. And as spoiled, selfish, and immature as my motives are, I do want him to keep trying. There is a woman inside of me that wants to be rescued from the wounded me. Asha screams from the pits of this cage, "Come for me! Come for me! Please don't abandon me! I think I'm almost there to where my hands can reach yours." She strains, but he's gone. And I'm here. How unfair to ask him to venture to this place ... no one can rescue me but me. All the women must convene and agree that it is best for the life force of this shared body to rule supreme over these natural, temporal struggles with ego, feelings, emotions, thoughts, and assumptions. Dinah, Simone, and Blu Moon must come to agree on something and COMMIT to it.

I am trapped within my wounded self (or selves). I want OUT! There was a time I used to ask for an easy or quick way, now I just want THE way. Even if by the time I get out, I'm alone. I want to stop going in this circle, this maze of same situations, different faces. I want to learn how to think and believe the best for myself as I so easily do for others. How to inspire that wounded girl within me to let go and grow. I haven't given her a name yet, even as Dinah, Simone, Blu, and Asha tip around her. Afraid to speak her, we coddle and attend to her, never challenging her. I will call her Whisper. She needs help. I need help. Can You help me help myself?

Yours truly,

Asha

when it hurts so bad

2009-02-17T12:24:00.002-05:00

Why do I hold on
hope on
linger to an attachment
that was never meant to form?

I pray for courage
strength
power
freedom
unleashed in my mind
'cause no one knows
he don't even know
where I am

he sees me, or so he thinks
he never known my heart, but he knew my hopes
never held my love, but he nurtured my ideas
foolish girl,
this is no world for the faint of heart

foolish girl
to think love could be
for you...

security

2009-02-03T06:58:00.002-05:00

I think I'm in looooooooooove again...

Anyways, the other day, my sister--Life is Real--and I were discussing insecurities and ways to combat them. A thought, compliments of my alter ego, arose that pacified the tumultuous fears tossing within me: NOBODY can do you like you can, and in relationships people reserve the right to exit if they do not like who I am; however, I owe it to myself to LOVE LOVE LOVE myself enough to let them go, along with the fear, baggage, and pain that may come from the detachment or disappointment. I TRUST enough to know that when one door closes, another one opens. I RESPECT God enough to know the meaning and importance of seasons...I don't fight the change, but rather allow the tide to take its course.

When you are deep, expansive, vast, and thirsty, you crave the richness and nectar of life. To be in a relationship where self-actualization, growth, self-discovery, and interdependence is vital and possible. You crave being known and to know another intimately, and to be accepted (yet challenged) for who YOU are. NO comparisons. NO competition. That is an honest and honorable desire, and it is our responsibility to use both the rain and the sun for growth. For every time I allowed someone to make me plunge head first into my insecurities and fears, I have grown and learned something valuable: there will always be someone who has more, is more, etc. whenever you look at yourself as OTHERS look at you. But when you open your eyes, heart, and arms to self-love and acceptance, you realize that all of these comparisons are illusions, a mere boxing with shadows. There will NEVER be another you! Another unique, divine reflection of the Creator with the combination of qualities that you have. And that is worthy of celebration and adoration.

Show them who you are by treating yourself like royalty...not conceit or narcissism, but self-assurance. You are a better you than anybody else. Namaste'.

socialization

2009-01-28T10:29:00.003-05:00

All of these definitions are according to Merriam-Webster...

Socialization: (noun)

the process by which a human being beginning at infancy acquires the habits, beliefs, and accumulated knowledge of society through education and training for adult status (medical dictionary)

the process of training one and making one fit for a social environment

the process of adapting to social needs or uses

Indoctrinate: (verb)

to instruct, especially in fundamentals or rudiments; teach

to imbue with a usually partisan or sectarian opinion, point of view, or principle

We need to be more selective about what we feed ourselves, nurse our children on, build our lives upon, set our hopes about...we need to be more protective over our minds and hearts...we need to be more intent on checking motives and understanding that a matrix does exist...it's called the world. Things are not always as they appear, and how sad it would be to "live" a lifetime and simply exist within the confines of popular demand. Press...reach...strive...break...

a:gain

2009-01-26T18:22:00.004-05:00

Maybe I had to lose to win. Drop the facade to learn to face the truth within, and that truth is that I'm wrong sometimes. The things I say and do and expect at times come from a place of selfishness, negativity and insecurity... although they are natural, they are unhealthy nonetheless. And, (sigh) it is my responsibility to adopt the healthiest habits possible. When I know better, I ought to do better. So, rather than running away from intimidation of the process of achieving one of my dreams, I made a decision that was even better: to grow. Nothing will change if I don't, and it is nobody's responsibility to make my journey easier. Obstacles are meant to be overcome; that is their sole existence.

So, I went back to the ballet class with the arrogant teacher that just happens to be younger than me. I made a decision to press through. I went back because I want to fulfill the commitments that I make. I went back because I want to perform again at a skill level that I've never known. I want the choreography to use my body as a musical instrument allows air and fingers to use it. I desire to create art and design movements that leave others breathless, inspired ... helping others to get the courage to surmount the challenges in their lives. I want to tell stories for those who are devoiced. And because it seems I've been running from difficult people, difficult situations, uncomfortable circumstances for a large part of my life and I'm tired, I'm ready to get stronger, braver, and embrace the vulnerability within.

I'm scared sometimes, but fear is never a sufficient reason to stop doing something (unless it's instinct). So I went back, a:gain. Taking it one day at a time. This past Saturday was a victory for me, and right now, right here, that's good. Very, very good...

my secret patois

2009-01-16T15:37:00.006-05:00

you be my secret patois

the only language i speak

the rules keep changing

so sometimes you're frustrating

but overall seeing your name

at the bottom of my screen

lifts me, evokes a level of life

that the likes of others have never seen

you are my dream

my daydream during beautiful days

and quiet moments

reflecting on your ways

the ones i like and dislike

deciding, you're my honey

i add a little of you in all my teas

digesting them with ease

saturated by the soothing

hones-tea

beau-tea

sereni-tea

tranquili-tea

you see me

like all them don't

and i see you in a way

i can promise others won't

cuz i see and accept

faults and unknowns

believing in more than you give right now

the power of sound

like your voice

tickling my ear

my sea

my tea

my honey

my sweet

my molasses

my shade

my glass of homemade lemonade

my late night serenade

my secret patois

that no one speak

but you and me

in liquid you coat

my lips

speak this in between the lines

and ink drips

you sip

from the core of who I believe myself to be

add insight and hope

to infinity...

(to be continued...)

the sound of music

2009-01-08T10:59:00.002-05:00

Currently, I am hearing Avant on 96.3, jazz on 89.3, and some random go-go song from an Imeem playlist. I'm surrounded; or ambushed rather by intrusive sounds that disrupt my thoughts & frequent meditation sessions. Cubicles in DC government are not only filled with the mindless chatter of interlopers, but also music that is loud enough to permeate my enervated sanctuary. Overpowered with unsolicited sound, I wonder how we (people) drown out our thoughts, natural sounds, & life with music twenty-four seven. It's cumbersome. As soon as one sits down, before they even turn on their computer, they turn on their radio or other music-playing device. 808's blend with the sound of Negroes yelling ignorant cliches that we've all become accustomed--and to some extent, immune--to, while the sounds of Dinah Washington attempt to pacify Teddy Pendergrass' excitement over how good it is loving somebody, and that somebody loves you back.

I begin to wonder, when do we ever experience silence? No wonder it is so hard for so many people to be still and alone. We're not used to it. We are on GO GO GO mode all the time; multi-tasking is a norm, as once sincere acts become mindless obligations completed without heart. From phones to radios to television to iPods and MP3's, we foolishly invite chaos into the inner sanctum of our minds. Allowing others' thoughts, facades, perceptions, and confusion to become our own...we melt into clones. No longer original and in touch, we forfeit our stake in self-awareness to take in foreign energy. And wonder why we are soooo exhausted by the end of the day?!?!

Silence is something one must grow comfortable with. Increasing comfort with silence leads to increased understanding of oneself, I believe. And while everyone's music-playing devices compete with one another, I sit in the middle a hop-skip-jump from yelling "QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs. Yearning for the serenity of actually having a conversation with a real, live clear-headed human being. I can't even call someone's cell phone without hearing a damn song, I'm so tired. Like a dish rag that has been wrung out. And this is coming from a music LOVER! But mama was right, too much of ANYTHING isn't good for you. There's a time for everything... we cheat ourselves greatly when we don't allow time for ourselves to just ... be.

my '09 inspiration

2009-01-06T08:12:00.002-05:00

The Art of Taking Risks

Saving the World

When Andrea Sullivan was growing up in Philadelphia, she knew that she wanted to save the world. Always a good student, in 1976 Sullivan graduated from the University of Pennsylvania, becoming the first African-American woman in the nation to earn a doctorate in sociology with a specialty in criminology. Clearly Sullivan was on the fast track. By the time she was 28, she had been tapped to work as an urban-policy adviser in the areas of criminology and crime prevention for the secretary of Housing and Urban Development (HUD).

She was making good money (about $40,000) and meeting influential people (like President Jimmy Carter). Girlfriend had it going on. She bought and rehabbed a four-bedroom brownstone in northwest Washington, D.C., invested in some Alma Thomas artwork and purchased a 1956 red-and-white Mercedes Benz sports car (her other car was a VW). To top it all off, Sullivan was engaged to be married. There was only one little problem. She was miserable.

"HUD's idea of crime prevention was putting more locks on the doors," she recalls. "My idea was getting the elderly and young people to sit down and rap-to unlock doors. That was unheard-of. I wasn't helping anyone. I wasn't saving the world."

What's more, she was falling apart. The stress of her dissatisfaction was showing in her acne-scarred face, in her loss of vitality and in her 30 pounds of overweight. Daimons, you'll recall, can appear in a variety of ways. At the suggestion of a friend, Sullivan visited a naturopath. Unlike conventional physicians, naturopathic doctors use natural remedies to fight illness and prescribe lifestyle changes to prevent disease. They treat people, not diseases. Within a few months, she was feeling better than ever. In fact, she felt fantastic. "Some things are just Providence," Sullivan, now 50, reflects. 'And if you open yourself to that spirit, it captures you." Sullivan had found a new way to save the world: She would become a naturopath. But her mama didn't raise no dummy. While still at HUD, Sullivan signed up for night classes at Howard University, taking a biology course one semester, botany the next. Only after testing the scientific waters did she jump in.

Whenever you choose to make a major change in your life, there will be those who back you and those who attack you. In Sullivan's case, her parents-who didn't even know what a naturopath did-supported her, while her fiancé discouraged her. Faster than you could say homeopathic remedy, Sullivan dumped the fiancé. A year and a half later, she got accepted at Seattle's Bastyr University, at the time one of only two naturopathic colleges in the nation. She sold her cars and artwork, refinanced her house and used the money to move cross-country. When she got to Seattle, she rented a room and dug in.

Year one was hard; year two was harder. As she had in high school and college, Sullivan felt the pressure of having to represent the race." That---combined with the dreary weather, the scarcity of Black people and acute homesickness- kept her crying for days. Finally, between her second and third years of medical school, something had to give. She packed up and went home.
"I never lost my vision, I was just so beaten that I knew I had to rest," she says. The next year she did a lot of soul searching. "I read about spirituality, participated in personal-growth workshops and went on a pilgrimage with my church-to Jerusalem, Egypt and Assisi." The seven-week journey was, for Sullivan, an affirmation of God's love. It also renewed her vision of how she wanted to help others. "I believed that naturopathic medicine was what I was supposed to be doing and that Spirit would make a way out of no way," she explains. "With that determination, I went back to school."

The final two years of medical school were easier After graduating, Sullivan spent two years interning with a Seattle-area doctor, becoming more comfortable diagnosing and treating the "whole" patient. But she knew that eventually she wanted to bring her knowledge back East, so in 1988 she returned to Washington, D.C., with her medical degree and more than $30,000 worth of student loans to repay. She accepted a day position as an executive assistant for a local council member and began seeing patients between 7:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. But this double duty was grueling, and after seven months Sullivan decided to step out on faith. She gave a month's notice at her day job and started promoting her practice by handing out flyers on the street and in local health-food stores. In 1989 Sullivan hung out her shingle for good.

Today Dr. Andrea Sullivan is one of the most respected naturopaths in the world. A founding member of the American Association of Naturopathic physicians, she lectures nationwide and appears frequently on radio and television. Her book, A Path to Healing - (Doubleday, $23.95), published in 1998, was written specifically with our people and our ailments in mind. Her practice is thriving (there's a three-month waiting list), and, inspired by her example, six patients have gone to naturopathy school and three more are on their way. Blissfully single, Sullivan reflects: I had the intention of saving the world. Do I do that? Maybe not, but I assist people in having a better quality of life, and that makes my life very rich and very full."

ESSENCE 8/99

beautiful reality

2008-12-24T10:28:00.003-05:00

i'd love to be a diva

but sometimes i get lazy

feel real good about myself

until i tune into the tv

and even after that i hear my homeboys talkin to me

"she bad" so i wanna be

the "she" inside men's fantasies

but i been a victim of lust's greed

from childhood well into my recent maturity

feeding egos, killing light

desecrating the sacred 'cause eyes are never satisfied

i don't want to sacrifice

my beautiful

submerge myself inside a book

i can feel my soul more clearly

when i'm hearing of a hurt

i realize life's more than a party

a runway

a tryout

a fake a$$ reality show

a battle of the socially irresponsible & narcississtic powerful

a yelling match

a gun draw

life is more than what i've known

more than being Miss Independent

loved and hated for having my "own"

beyond the me i see

beneath the cover of fantasy

molting the sheath of insecurity

that socialization embedded in me

after church defined what womanly mean

and daddy's infidelity proved black must be ugly

i tried to turn from natural into origami

twisted to be something not destiny

not me

not beauty

be pretend, be fly, be fantasy, catch eyes

make them wonder what's underneath

but the world glamorizes sheaths

what it covers is really me

double-edged sword

imperfectly divine

little brown girl that once dreamed of blue eyes

petrified of abandonment

allergic to rejection

adolescent coming to love her nappy's blessing

overachiever with a gift of gab

reaching for the joy i ain't supposed to have

to redefine full/fill/meant relinquishing the norm

learning to love this that is

not glorified in media

allowing my flaws to be celebrated

my weaknesses, strengthened

intent on finding my own get - to haven

in the midst of perverse madness

i think i'm in love again

with my beautiful reality

those stretch marks & scars

telling a breathtaking story...

to those that dare to read

this isn't going to be televised

we broadcasting live from where.i.be

i give up all the chasing after the wind

to take hold of her/me/she and become her again

to make love to identity

and conceive a new confidence

this real b

need no fan/to/see

or vindicate

her femininity

she

feel with the slight

shake of healthy thighs

without the cameras & light

she rise

rise

black men

2008-12-23T16:36:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about men a lot lately... our men... I mean black men... then I happened upon this article where Saul Williams talks about what he thinks a man is...

Clutch: What is your definition of a man?

Saul Williams: Um…I think that a man is someone that is fully willing to take on the responsibility of power and realizing that that responsibility is not expressed necessarily through force but through a careful balance of strength and vulnerability. A man is someone that can listen as well as he can instruct. Someone that can receive as well as he can give, someone who is unafraid to feel and express what he feels as well as ridicule and anger. A balanced man understands the need for nurturing qualities within himself that may be deemed as feminine as well as those which come easily and come with masculine meaning. Yes, he can be the aggressor, he can also sit quiet and listen and learn. Yes he can fight and stand up and be strong. But he can also hug his child and tell his child that he loves him and hold his hand and cross the street and not tell him that he’s a punk for crying. The goal is a balanced man. A man that realizes that he does not have to be clouded by weed or alcohol or any of these things. He can be just enthralled with being alive and realize his capacity for his spiritual being. It all has a lot to do with responsibility.

Clutch: What is the biggest folly of black men as you see it?

Saul Williams: (Long pause) Well, for some it might be whatever cynicism or apathy we have within ourselves. So many of us has been led to believe that the world has turned against us but sometimes it’s not the world turned against us, it’s us that’s turned against us. That is a huge drawback. Then we have to…be loyal. My father’s generation started the trend of leaving their families and not sticking around, and there are still remains of that today. It would be great if our generation could be more loyal to the idea of growing with our partner and learning more about commitment and steadfastness. That’s essential.

Clutch: What’s the most encouraging attribute of black men?

Saul Williams: It’s a strength and connection of our spirits. We are all intuitively connected to each other and I think we know it. That same vibe when we feel that beat and nod our heads when that beat drops. We feel a communal spirit. That’s a beautiful connection for us to have; it’s like being loved by the sun. I think we have this spirit inside of us that bounds us together and it would be great if we stepped out of our cynicism and apathy to step into this higher consciousness that we are very much capable of. We know now that so much more than we thought is possible. The only thing standing in our way at this moment is ourselves.

For the full article check out the link http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/saul-williams-a-vortex-of-altitude/ .

I wonder what he has to say about women??

da ~ bayou

Love is Reckless by Rumi

risking it all

A throwback love...

comparing love

he did what he said he would

searching...weary...searching

guilt and dreams

it is my belief

musings of a temporary insomniac

return to yin

activity overrated

the Invocation of Forgotten Things I : the 3rd Death

inner beyond under here

the whole womb-man (woman)

in this place

awakening

Get.It.Together

my prayer today

I AM who I AM

you fine

Every now and again

Revolutionary Road

life and livin'

come to the edge

where's your focus?

Window Seat... *pay attention*

amidst the lillies

greener grass

heartbreak is...

what i'm learnin

in this between

let the lists go

My girl has a new book: Freshmen Honeyz!!!!!!

balinese logic is my cup of tea

love, so love

transcend what...

heart jolt

a new definition of soul mate

bad dreams

this evening

dedicated to Lena

never going back...

healing over love

Link to 365 days to dream

human nature...

john mayer said it all...

...just thinking

it feels good

pleasantries go a loooonnnnngggg way!

GoldEN DayS (pt. 2)

2 gOLDeN dayZ (pt. 1)

write the vision...make it plain

prettY wingS

I cry

alone, i stand

the shade of my own tree

horizon and here

good things

beautiful pain

when you love someone

missing you

day 2: brokenhearted girl

a lil piece of me

Truth, tragedy, & triumph

Right ON!

to ponder...

everwanting to want u to want

when i was there

my oasis

right now

so THIS is what forgiveness feels like!

"Just for Today" Lyrics

Can I be completely honest? (pt. 2)

Can I be completely honest?

good enough

when it hurts

again, i rise...

okay...

friends

Window Seat... pay attention